JOKES.

[yazza101]

Little johnny was sitting in class one day when the teacher asked the pupils to make a sentence with the word 'fascinate'.
Little susie at the front of the class puts her hand up immediately. 'yes susie?' says the teacher. 'My gran took me to the zoo last week to see all the animals, it was really fascinating'. ' Good' said the teacher ' but i was looking for fascinate not fascinating' 'anyone else?'. Little simon puts his hand up.'yes simon? said the teacher. ' My mum and dad took me to the museum to find out all about history , I was really fascinated by it all'. 'Once again thats good simon but we are looking for fascinate' said the teacher. The teacher notices little johnnys hand in the air but knows his answer may not be appropriate during class but since his hand was the last raised she had no choice.'yes johnny?' . 'My sister bought a shirt with 10 buttons on it at the weekend but her boobs are so massive she can only FASCINATE! '.

[Trad]

Totally Politically Incorrect



I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole the thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot...

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes;
11% said no;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

[Rusty Shackleford]

^^^

[badbone]

@ Trad.. lmao

[spidergawd]

Some wicked humour there Trad .

[DanFromUk]

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes;
11% said no;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

Nice one for these Trad


LMAO Seems about right though.... just ask the common woman on the London tube

[geoffk]

[spidergawd]

/\ /\

[Boner]

My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what was I doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

[Boner]

The WWE, god that shits fucking terrible.

[cattales1960]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”
Unlike · · 4 hours ago ·

[Rusty Shackleford]

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell.When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question. To the first he said "What was your biggest sin on earth??" and the man replied "oh man i just love alcohol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full off alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door. To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man i just love to have sex with the ladies, i was really unfaithful to my wife man" So the devil took the man and showed him a room full of thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said " see you in 100 years" and locked the door. The third man`s answer to the question was "oh man i just love Weed! im high all the time man and i cant live without it!!"
The devil showed him a room packed with the most amazing grade A bud you`ve ever seen, stacked to the roof! the man went inside and the devil locked the door, after saying " see you in 100 years"
100 years later the devil came back to let the three men out.He opened the of the door of the first mans room and found him collasped on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him..he was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd mans doors and the man came running out of the room and cried "im gay !! im gay!!

Finally the devil came to the third mans room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud,, in the exact same position the devil had left him in. He looked up at the devil with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked " Hey man, got a light??"

[gromit]

man i walked into a bar the other night and you know how they are smokey and your eyes need to ajust,....well i walked in and sat down at the bar,.....on the other end of the bar there was this guy he had the head the size of a softball,........i was lookin but not you know ,.......but after a few i went over and i was like hey no disrespect but is that a birth defect ,......he kinda looked at me funny,..........and said well if you buy me a beer ill tell you how this happend,.........i was like ya,.........i sat and he started to tell me about this fishing trip he took in florida a few years back he said they went 80 miles out in the gulf it was a calm day lots of sun ,........but couldn't catch a thing but a buzz,....but at the end of the day as they thought about going in he cast one more time,........and he caught a mermaid,......i said no way,.......hes like its true,.....and he said the mermaid said ill grant you a wish if you let me go back to the sea,..............we ll being a nice guy he was like ok,.....he said he thought about it and she was soooo hot sex would be wild,....but she was like im half fish,.......so he said how about a little head ,......*poof*,...... ...........true story ,.......

[gromit]

a man walks into a bar ,.........sits orders a drink,...looks over and sees a sign ,.it says ,.if you can make my horse laugh you win $500,.........the guy calls the bartender over and asks wheres the horse ,.bartender says in the back,...the guy says i will try ,.....walks back,.......ten min . later he comes out ,.the horse is crackin up,...........nahhhh hyyyyyy,............ ....the bartender pays him ,....he drinks his drink and leaves,..........a week later the man walks in the same bar ,...sits ,.orders a drink,........ this time the sign says $500 if you can make my horse cry ,.the guy calls the bartender over ask is the horse in back,........you bet,......he walks back,.....ten min. later he comes out ,.the horse is in tears,...........ehw wwwwwehwwwwww,...... ......the bartender says before i give you this money i need to know how you did that,...........the man looks at him and says ,............the first time i came in i told him i had a bigger P rick then his ,.....the second day i showed it to him,................ ....

[gromit]

im here all week ,.try the roast,..... ...............