JOKES.

[Trad]

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

When filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but, it's still on my list.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

[Bifton]

I got beaten up the other week.
Six guys were really kicking the shit out of me but against all odds I managed to knock one out........... Probably not the best time for a wank but it could have been my last chance.

[bong_dylan]

A lorry load of Vigra was hijacked the other day. Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

[sam]

If any of you are gay and have a straight friend that can take a joke tell them this joke. One of my gay friends pulled it on me yesterday and it still makes me laugh. We were talking and he asked me if I knew the new term for straight people and I said no and he responded with glad to see you are still one of us.

[Roobarb]

The makers of Viagra have brought out a new product.
Eyedrops. It won't do anything for your sex life but it
makes you look really hard

[Rusty Shackleford]

Whats great on a pizza but not on a pussy??

Crust

[myoung321]

Whats great on a pizza but not on a pussy??

Crust

Extra Cheese

[myoung321]

A guy is running on the beach and see’s a girl with no arms and legs crying. He stops and asks whats wrong. She says "I have never been hugged before". So, being nice, he picks her up and hugs her. The next day he see’s her crying again and he says "okay, whats wrong now?". She replies "I have never been kissed." So he’s like okay fine, and gives her a kiss. The next day he runs by and she’s crying again. He says "god dammit what the fuck is wrong now". She says "I've never been fucked". So he says fine, and he picks the girl up, throws her into the ocean and yells....
THERE, NOW YOU'RE FUCKED

[redeyezman]

A guy is running on the beach and see’s a girl with no arms and legs crying. He stops and asks whats wrong. She says "I have never been hugged before". So, being nice, he picks her up and hugs her. The next day he see’s her crying again and he says "okay, whats wrong now?". She replies "I have never been kissed." So he’s like okay fine, and gives her a kiss. The next day he runs by and she’s crying again. He says "god dammit what the fuck is wrong now". She says "I've never been fucked". So he says fine, and he picks the girl up, throws her into the ocean and yells....
THERE, NOW YOU'RE FUCKED

Do you really have to change the size of your font to 150? Are you THAT DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION?

Maybe if you weren't such a douche more would have befriended you by now, and you could talk in a regular size font, like the rest of the normal people here....

If its okay to make jokes about amputees then maybe I should make jokes about those of color, and homosexuals....you know since you exposed me for being right-wing-neocon-bigot-homophobe.....who enjoys cannabis of course

[myoung321]

NOW THAT'S FUNNY


Look my own personal Right Wing Stalker... sweet always wanted one of those!

Polly wanna Fox News Cracker?

Dude it's one thing to have a heated discussion in the Political Area, I'm all for it...I'll meet you over there. But, you moving your crap into the "Fun" part of the Forum is pathetic..... Grow UP....

[spidergawd]

NOW THAT'S FUNNY


Look my own personal Right Wing Stalker... sweet always wanted one of those!

Polly wanna Fox News Cracker?

Dude it's one thing to have a heated discussion in the Political Area, I'm all for it...I'll meet you over there. But, you moving your crap into the "Fun" part of the Forum is pathetic..... Grow UP....

Geezer, you and that stupid stuff you shouted back there are way off beam. You will quite rightly point out that you are exercising you right to free speech, and so will I, when I tell you that I think it's not radical, or clever and only some one with an equally infantile or offensive agenda would find it anything other than contemptible.


Flame on baby I've got a crocodile skin.

[Rusty Shackleford]

For me comedy is no holds barred, I don't no if its where I grew up but there's pretty much nothing that offends me just saying

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

[spidergawd]

Fair point I guess craig, I'm just surprised to read that stuff Shouted so loudly on here.

Just the way I feel I guess. I think I'll have a half hour in the fridge and chill out a bit.

Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?
A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!

Q: Police Officer: "How high are you?"
A: Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.

Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A: Malnutrition.

i Q: What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet?
A: A joint in each hand!

[myoung321]

Geezer, you and that stupid stuff you shouted back there are way off beam. You will quite rightly point out that you are exercising you right to free speech, and so will I, when I tell you that I think it's not radical, or clever and only some one with an equally infantile or offensive agenda would find it anything other than contemptible.


Flame on baby I've got a crocodile skin.

Geezer, No reason to flame you, this is a Joke thread. I think it's pretty clear who came to this Joke thread and threw the personal insults first..

Yes I hit larger text, guilty....I did it because when I copied it it was rather small. I should have fixed it. I apologize. But that should not justify him coming in here and posting what he did... Plus plenty of other chances in all these jokes to say it was crossing the line as far as topic.. I apologize for upsetting anyone on the text size or topic.

I asked him agree to disagree and let it go.. the ball is in his court now..

Peace

[myoung321]

Don't say this to a cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?