Reflections on Anger and Anger Management
Posted: Thu 12th Oct 2017 12:45 pm
Reflections on Anger and Anger Management
an·ger
ˈaNGɡər/Submit
noun
1.
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"
It was autumn 2005 in the Virginia Piedmont when the family began to unravel. My ex-wife thought our eldest daughter was beginning to suspect I was her adoptive father. She wanted to tell her but I advised against it suggesting she was too immature and that we wait a while. She told her anyway and now at 13 she was in full rebellion mode. The first school report came in and all three girls had poorer grades with our eldest failing. We mutually decided that the best 'punishment' was take away telephone privilege until the grades came back up. She relished in her defiance and seemed to enjoy being caught on the phone or not completing homework.
I attempted to help all three complete their homework together at our dinning room table but I got no cooperation from daughter 'A'. On one such day her antics got the better of me and I found myself in an angry shouting match with her. Her mouth had become pretty foul of late and I don't exactly recall what she said that set me off when I told her to get in her room or I would put her there. Instead, she bolted for the front door and in my anger I kicked her in the butt on her way out. My ex came home from work shortly thereafter, and our neighbors let us know 'A' was safe at their house. After she came home we tried to deal with the situation. 'A' used the term 'beating' when referring to the incident. Soon, her younger sisters were too. It didn't seem to matter much to Mom, or to the Family Counselor, or to the Church Reverend that there were no marks, doctor or hospital records or physical evidence of any kind. It didn't seem to matter much that there were wild inconsistencies in the girls stories.
Making matters worse were problematic tenants in our rental unit next door. At the time I was not fully aware of the depth of the problems there. Their adoption of a new pit bull in defiance of the no pets clause of their lease caused me to very gladly issue them and eviction notice. My surprise was total and my despair complete when the phone call came. I was in the CO frame room when my boss told me about the conversation he just had with my wife. The tenant claimed I threatened him, my ex was backing him up and wanted me out. She also told him about 6 cannabis plants I had hidden out in the garden. In order to keep my job, I was to go destroy the plants, collect my personal belongings and leave my own home. I was shattered completely.
My boss thankfully arranged emergency housing but it was at a Christian shelter for the distressed. As such, they had quite strict rules on behavior including mandatory Church attendance. Though thankful for the room and board, it was a very difficult month for me in that environment as I dealt with all the above and finding a lawyer to help me.
I wanted a divorce with joint custody and began on that road with my lawyer. Ex-wife and/or her lawyer employed the child abuse card which prompted Child Protective Services engagement in the process. A precedent of presumption of guilt was established. In order to obtain court approval of joint custody, I would need to arrange for supervised visits with my two natural daughters, and the court was permitting daughter 'A' to opt out completely. I didn't like it, in fact it made me angry but I did it and later in court the witnesses who supervised the visits proved to be good witnesses of my good character.
As a preventative move, my lawyer advised I volunteer for Anger Management sessions. I did so but must admit I was not happy about it. The first session was pretty typical of any first session. The leader has everyone seated in a circle, and one by one everyone tells the story of why they are there. "I punched my boss in the face...", "I beat my son with a piece of rebar..." "I stabbed my boyfriend ...." "I kicked my daughter in the butt...". This last one actually got laughs. I discovered a lot of people really need Anger Management help and I also realized my issue was not Management but sheer volume of angering situations. This now included Anger Management.
Meanwhile, I begin to see my ex running around town with the tenant, 10 years her junior. I recall one day upon my joyful 'win' of unsupervised day custody of my two younger daughters driving down the highway with them when we were passed by their Mom and new boy toy heading to a hotel in North Carolina. Anger? You bet, I wanted to choke him every time I saw him, which was frequently.
It was a month after the divorce when she married him. Shortly thereafter, she took the kids and moved with him to the Pigeon Forge area of Tennessee and abandoned the VA property she was awarded in the divorce. It slipped into default on the mortgage which carried both our names, eventually going into foreclosure and ruining both our credit ratings. They divorced soon thereafter and he is doing time now. She remained there with the kids and is still there today.
Visitation became increasingly more challenging as time went by. As they reached their later teen years for about three years my daughters refused to come visit. It was during this period that their grand mother died.
Daughter 'A' has since had two children out of wedlock and an pain killer addiction. She has come for money a few times but has not shown any signs of interest in reconciliation. Since last spring she has lived only about 50 miles away and yet has had no time to come visit.
Daughters 'B' and 'C' now have kids of their own, and we have normalizing relationships. They still don't visit, but my visits to them are now loving and joyous.
So things are now not nearly as bad as they've been but not nearly as good as they could be. I do still mull over these events in my head daily and expect to do so for the rest of my life. Am I still angry? Maybe a little, at some specific things but mostly I am deeply saddened by it all. Now most of my anger is focused on the presumption of guilt I experienced by people who really should have know better.
Reflections on Anger and Anger Management by Ed the Head.
an·ger
ˈaNGɡər/Submit
noun
1.
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
"the colonel's anger at his daughter's disobedience"
It was autumn 2005 in the Virginia Piedmont when the family began to unravel. My ex-wife thought our eldest daughter was beginning to suspect I was her adoptive father. She wanted to tell her but I advised against it suggesting she was too immature and that we wait a while. She told her anyway and now at 13 she was in full rebellion mode. The first school report came in and all three girls had poorer grades with our eldest failing. We mutually decided that the best 'punishment' was take away telephone privilege until the grades came back up. She relished in her defiance and seemed to enjoy being caught on the phone or not completing homework.
I attempted to help all three complete their homework together at our dinning room table but I got no cooperation from daughter 'A'. On one such day her antics got the better of me and I found myself in an angry shouting match with her. Her mouth had become pretty foul of late and I don't exactly recall what she said that set me off when I told her to get in her room or I would put her there. Instead, she bolted for the front door and in my anger I kicked her in the butt on her way out. My ex came home from work shortly thereafter, and our neighbors let us know 'A' was safe at their house. After she came home we tried to deal with the situation. 'A' used the term 'beating' when referring to the incident. Soon, her younger sisters were too. It didn't seem to matter much to Mom, or to the Family Counselor, or to the Church Reverend that there were no marks, doctor or hospital records or physical evidence of any kind. It didn't seem to matter much that there were wild inconsistencies in the girls stories.
Making matters worse were problematic tenants in our rental unit next door. At the time I was not fully aware of the depth of the problems there. Their adoption of a new pit bull in defiance of the no pets clause of their lease caused me to very gladly issue them and eviction notice. My surprise was total and my despair complete when the phone call came. I was in the CO frame room when my boss told me about the conversation he just had with my wife. The tenant claimed I threatened him, my ex was backing him up and wanted me out. She also told him about 6 cannabis plants I had hidden out in the garden. In order to keep my job, I was to go destroy the plants, collect my personal belongings and leave my own home. I was shattered completely.
My boss thankfully arranged emergency housing but it was at a Christian shelter for the distressed. As such, they had quite strict rules on behavior including mandatory Church attendance. Though thankful for the room and board, it was a very difficult month for me in that environment as I dealt with all the above and finding a lawyer to help me.
I wanted a divorce with joint custody and began on that road with my lawyer. Ex-wife and/or her lawyer employed the child abuse card which prompted Child Protective Services engagement in the process. A precedent of presumption of guilt was established. In order to obtain court approval of joint custody, I would need to arrange for supervised visits with my two natural daughters, and the court was permitting daughter 'A' to opt out completely. I didn't like it, in fact it made me angry but I did it and later in court the witnesses who supervised the visits proved to be good witnesses of my good character.
As a preventative move, my lawyer advised I volunteer for Anger Management sessions. I did so but must admit I was not happy about it. The first session was pretty typical of any first session. The leader has everyone seated in a circle, and one by one everyone tells the story of why they are there. "I punched my boss in the face...", "I beat my son with a piece of rebar..." "I stabbed my boyfriend ...." "I kicked my daughter in the butt...". This last one actually got laughs. I discovered a lot of people really need Anger Management help and I also realized my issue was not Management but sheer volume of angering situations. This now included Anger Management.
Meanwhile, I begin to see my ex running around town with the tenant, 10 years her junior. I recall one day upon my joyful 'win' of unsupervised day custody of my two younger daughters driving down the highway with them when we were passed by their Mom and new boy toy heading to a hotel in North Carolina. Anger? You bet, I wanted to choke him every time I saw him, which was frequently.
It was a month after the divorce when she married him. Shortly thereafter, she took the kids and moved with him to the Pigeon Forge area of Tennessee and abandoned the VA property she was awarded in the divorce. It slipped into default on the mortgage which carried both our names, eventually going into foreclosure and ruining both our credit ratings. They divorced soon thereafter and he is doing time now. She remained there with the kids and is still there today.
Visitation became increasingly more challenging as time went by. As they reached their later teen years for about three years my daughters refused to come visit. It was during this period that their grand mother died.
Daughter 'A' has since had two children out of wedlock and an pain killer addiction. She has come for money a few times but has not shown any signs of interest in reconciliation. Since last spring she has lived only about 50 miles away and yet has had no time to come visit.
Daughters 'B' and 'C' now have kids of their own, and we have normalizing relationships. They still don't visit, but my visits to them are now loving and joyous.
So things are now not nearly as bad as they've been but not nearly as good as they could be. I do still mull over these events in my head daily and expect to do so for the rest of my life. Am I still angry? Maybe a little, at some specific things but mostly I am deeply saddened by it all. Now most of my anger is focused on the presumption of guilt I experienced by people who really should have know better.
Reflections on Anger and Anger Management by Ed the Head.