I recently started to feel bad when smoking :(

[beejun]

Since last monday I haven't smoke a spliff, I don't even know how I managed to do it coz for the last twelve years I smoked every single days.
My dad died of Cancer ten years ago, and back in Belgium my mum is at hospital with Fucking cancer too and she is dying,...
I recently started feeling guilty every time I smoke weed, I donno why, I keep thinking that it is selfish to get high while my mum is sick back in Belgium.
I'm not quiting but I wanna seriously cut down, I need a spliff when I wake up just like an alcoholic needs a sip of booze when he wakes up, and I think its wrong,
I Gonna smoke weekend and on holidays only now coz it makes me feel guilty to get high for nothing while my mama's dying and I started feeling like a junkie.
I write this here coz I don't want to talk bout it to my mates and family.
Its Fucking hard not to smoke and I feel like shit. Ill be in Maastricht soon again and ill smoke this weekend, I just hope I won't get these bad thought again while smoking...
Peace n sorry if what I say don't make sense.

[colinzeal]

It can be natural to feel emotional when high i find, it is certainly not someplace to hid from your feelings all the time. I am sorry to hear about your mum. May I suggest that your guilt stems from your mum's illness, the bad memories it may illicit of losing your dad and fear of losing your mum in the future. These are all natural things to deal with and feel in this situation.

Though I don't know all the details of your situation perhaps I could suggest seeing your mum or just contacting her, perhaps write a letter to her even if she might not read it. I hope anything i say does not sound out of place or alien to your situation but I can't know all the facts.

I encourage you to cut down if you feel it will help I imagine it will but also I encourage to identify the underlying feelings which cause this guilt, which is emphasised in your mind when high. My thoughts are with you and your mother. Do not persecute yourself for your drug use it is not a sin,

[Kermit]

I stopped as usual a few days back but only for preperation for my sept trip so it hits a bit harder. TBH to say i feel okay would be a lie, its hard as fuck when you have been toking everyday for many years. But the thought of the hit off that first spliff is always apealing to me and keeps me going.
Keep your head up and stay busy you will be fine ,the bad feelings will always pass after a while.

[beejun]

Thank you colinzeal...
I call my mum often and I go to belgium twice a months for the last three months to go and see her, I was in Maastrich couple of weeks ago when theses bad thoughts started, sitting in a coffeeshop by myself, I felt realy bad and left the city straight.
I dont want to stop smoking but I will cut down and hopefully wont feel shitti like that again. Ill go to belgium 3 days in the begining of september and will go to Maastricht again for half a day to pick up smth
tx again bro

[beejun]

Yes kermit i hear u man.
i cant wait to be in holland too, same as I cant wait for tomorow morning to pick up a quarter for the weekend. Ill try to get theses bad tho out my mind when high.
I was smoking half an Oz a week here in london and this i think is out of order.
peace

[colinzeal]

i'm sure that you would like to be with her more and may feel somewhat powerless when faced with this situation. its got to be tough, its bound to affect your emotional state from time to time, she is your mum.
take care

[beejun]

i'm sure that you would like to be with her more and may feel somewhat powerless when faced with this situation. its got to be though, its bound to affect your emotional state from time to time, she is your mum.
take care

yeah I often think that its not fair that I stay in London instead of going back there with her, but for differents reason Im stuck in London and financialy right now I cant afford to take unpaid leave. My brothers told me not to worry but I still do. Peace