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10:30 Am Amsterdam April 7th
Twenty days is a long trip. Too long to be staying somewhere that is not conducive to your vacation habits.
The hotel Sipermann is located near VondelPark. Back in the day this would not be an issue.
But in recent trips I have discovered the joys of Belgium beer and all my favorite watering holes are in the Centrum.The thought of riding my bike drunk across town at 2 am every night is not appealing.
I didn’t book my room till mid March and by than all the choice real estate was procured.
Heading toward Dam square I’m filled with dread. For a two star it is extremely pricey. A real April take in the rear special. The Hotel had requested the entire three weeks in advance upon arrival. Once I hand over those Euros I’m stuck. It’s late in the game and I have to throw a hell Mary pass.
I turn around and break one of my rules.
Damrak is filled with tourist hotel and info spots. NEVER have I felt the inclination to enter one of these establishments. Something about them just screams “BAD IDEA”.
A young Dutch woman smoking in the entrance of the Lindbergh tourist info shop, catches my eye. Right above her smoky head I see a sign that reads: ‘Last minute Apartment specials’.
What would it hurt to just look?
I decide to go in and kick the tires. The woman greets me warmly as she flicks her cigarette into the oncoming foot traffic of Damrak.
‘Come inside, we see what we do.’
The following events are nothing short of a miracle .
Heidi, I call her, discovers a last minute cancellation for a studio apartment right off Damrak.
And it’s costs the same as the Sipermann. Only problem is that it’s not available till Saturday. My mind is racing. I can’t just go to the Sipermann and say I’m only staying two days and you can just fuck off for the other eighteen.
‘Do you have anything for tonight and tomorrow?’
She looks at me with pity.
‘Maybe, but it won’t be very nice, it’s almost the weekend you know.’
‘I’m okay with anything. A Hostel, park bench, anything.’
After some intense typing, her terminal lights up.
‘I have a single for forty euros, it’s only available tonight’
‘Fine , I’ll take it. And for Friday?’
More typing.
She looks up and I swear she had turned white.
‘I do have a place, but……..’
‘But? But what?’
Come on sister lay it on me.
‘It’s not a nice place.’
‘For one day I think I can handle it.’
‘Okay’ She sighs.
So with Thursday and Friday booked. I’m told to come back Saturday to pick up my keys for the studio. Grab my bags and head for my first hotel of the trip. Heidi booked me at the Hotel Clemens, a two star just blocks from Dam Square on Raadhuisstraat 39. I’m buzzed in and I brave the steep stairs to the reception. I’m pleasantly surprised. First thing I notice is how clean and maintained it is.
Pay for my room.
More stairs.
I enter room number 124. Wow. It’s a twin. Score. A twinkling glass object sits on a desk by the window. What is that? Sweet Jesus, it’s an ASHTRAY! Smoker friendly and it comes with breakfast. Forty euros in April. Last minute indeed.
Bags stowed. Head for Grey Area.

12:01
Grey Area has barely opened and there is a line out the door. This will be a buy and fly for sure.
Jon spots me and struggles to get close enough to shake my hand. Of course one of the first things he asks me is: ‘When’s Blueberry Coming?’
After snaking my way to the front , I decide on 5g of Strawberry Sour Diesel for 62.50E.
Secure my stash and as I head for the door, Jon says: 'I promise I’ll try to see your film this year.’

12: 45pm
De kuil
Milky Coffee and a purchase of 1g Maroc Caramello 11E. Took a cone of Strawberry Sour Diesel to the dome. Was ready to score this strain a 7/10, but damn it’s a creeper. A solid 8/10.
Back to the Hotel for a shower.
Decide to wait on a bike till I’m settled in the Studio. So I do something I haven’t done in awhile. I walk.
Sun is out. Not to hot. Walk some more.

5:10 pm
‘t Nes
No longer do they carry my favorite beer. Go for a small Gulpener instead. Nice start.
Speak with DC briefly. He tells me that Trad will be in later around seven. It was my intention to return. But that was not to be.


And so it begins……………………………….....................

6:05 pm
‘t Nes
After sampling several beers, my stomach starts grumbling. I haven’t eaten since the plane.
Before I continue this evenings festivities , I’d need to line my belly.
Said goodbye to DC and left with the intention to return later to meet Trad. Should I pull the trigger and have Walk to Wok as my first meal of the trip? Take a quick detour first. I’m hoping my friend Zad is bartending tonight.

6:20 pm
Excalibur
The place is blue with smoke. Cigarette ban seems to be a low priority. Zad is behind the bar with his back turned to me. With my best French accent I say:
‘Do you like onions?’
Zad turns around and screams like a girl. Damn buddy, this a biker bar. I met Zad about twelve years ago. He used to work at the now defunct ‘Other Place’ above Hanky Panky’s tattoo parlor, as well as the Excalibur. You can see him in this clip at 1:07 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ5F5LI1lA0
Pleasantries exchanged , the beer does flow. But soon hunger wags its ugly finger again.
Zad orders a couple of pizza’s from a place called Macaroni, which ironically doesn’t sell Macaroni.
My host tells me it’s great, but delivery takes a long time. In Amsterdam? Really? Psst.
I soldier on with more beer and a Strawberry/Maroc cone. Fifty minutes later the food arrives.
And it was good.
No, it wasn’t good. It was fucking amazing. Two pizzas enter Thunderdome. None leave. Zad pulls a huge knife out from behind the bar and splits each pizza down the middle.
Pizza #1 A tangy ham that managed to be savory and sweet.
Pizza #2 Spicy Salami with gorgonzola. A hard one to pull off. This was a complete success. The combination of flavors complimented each other in perfect synergy.
The beast was sated . We catch up. We drink. We smoke.
Until………………………..
1:00 am
Warmoesstraat
Time keeps on ticking ticking into the future……………..
It had been hours since the pizza, so I stumbled into Walk to Wok. The perfect after drink food. Ordered egg noodles with prawn and hot Asia sauce topped with sesame seeds. Inhaled it, in what seemed like minutes. Tasty, but now I need dessert.
1:16 am
Febo
Tried the new Samurai burger. Basically the same as the shoarma burger but with extra sauce.
This is what happens when you don’t eat all day. I binged in a drunken fever that I’m almost ashamed of.
My appetite defeated, I end my first day in my bed at the Hotel Clemens.
Sleeping soundly.

This is great Wolf. Cant wait to see you again in da dam! IM laughing so hard.

Heidi, I call her

this whole tr is hilarious so far can't wait for more!

very detailed.

really enjoying this one.

Nice one m8

perfect

thanks for bringing us along!

I really just can't wait to know how the accomodation for Friday looks like
I know it's gonna be hilarious (or scary)

7am Day 2
Hotel Clemens
Watched a few minutes of Animal planet. Head downstairs to the reception which doubles as the breakfast room in the morning. Behind the tall reception counter the morning clerk sits. His head scarcely able to peer over the top of the desk. I’m greeted with a less than enthusiastic ‘Hallo’.
Grab a cup and attempt to use the self service coffee dispenser. Simple. Put the cup under the spigot and press the button that’s says coffee. Two steamy whoosh whoosh’s later and…….a tiny drop of coffee dispenses into my cup than nothing. I give it a few moments. I can feel the receptionist glaring at me. I slowly move my finger toward the machine again.
‘YOU ALREADY PUSHED THE BUTTON!’
Says the man behind counter.
Alright, I guess I’ll stick with orange juice this morning. A group of five come down for breakfast. Nice to not be alone with Mister Enchanting . One of them heads for the coffee machine. This I have to see.
Press’s button…..whoosh….whoosh…….BOOM! Coffee spews in every direction, drenching the entire breakfast table.
The man behind the counter stands straight up. For the first time I notice that he is wearing nothing but a bathrobe and flip flops. He storms out of the room. Leaving the poor guy to clean his mess with limited resources.
Coffee is everywhere. Dripping down the walls. This unfortunate guy is running out of thin napkins to soak it up. It looked like the Exxon Valdez disaster . Our pissed off host returns, fully dressed with a stack of towels. He nudge’s the guy, who is apologizing profusely, aside and begins to meticulously clean the mess up.
This is just delightful, but I have to move into hotel number two today, so I head up stairs to freshen up and pack.
Drop off the keys. Head outside with my bag. Sunny and cool.
8:30 am
Hotel II Giardino
The reception for the hotel is in a donar kabob place that has pizza slices fermenting in the window. Very shady vibe to this place. I thought I had stayed in the worst hotels Amsterdam had to offer.
I was wrong………………………………...

WolfDangler wrote: 8:30 am
Hotel II Giardino
The reception for the hotel is in a donar kabob place that has pizza slices fermenting in the window. Very shady vibe to this place. I thought I had stayed in the worst hotels Amsterdam had to offer.
I was wrong………………………………...

Can't wait for the full gory details - the reception areas ambiance doesn't bode well

Jeez! This is like a comic, I can't wait for the next one. One of the best trip reports I have read!!

Wow, now this is sure some 110% quality reporting, thanks for sharing.

Pacey writing man, loving it Cheers.

WolfDangler wrote:Zad turns around and screams like a girl. Damn buddy, this a biker bar.

Lmfao can't wait to party with you again, ya nut. Say high to our friend, see y'all in a couple of days WOOT!

This report is amazing, bravo.

Keep it coming. Great stuff!