JOKES.

Pauli Wallnuts · Post by **Pauli Wallnuts** » Tue 5th Jan 2010 03:10 am

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best Toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?'
Thinking surprisingly quickly, John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Bob2 · Post by **Bob2** » Tue 5th Jan 2010 03:31 am

how do you make lady gaga cry? poke her face
what you call a deer with no eyes? no idea
what you call a deer with no eyes or legs? still no idea

Pauli Wallnuts · Post by **Pauli Wallnuts** » Tue 5th Jan 2010 03:34 am

stuart1976 wrote:how do you make lady gaga cry? poke her face
what you call a deer with no eyes? no idea
what you call a deer with no eyes or legs? still no idea

i love clean simple jokes

Panog · Post by **Panog** » Tue 5th Jan 2010 10:03 am

A stoner dies and arrives to heaven.
Jesus looks at him and say : okay, you was a good guy but you smoked marijuana, the devil herb, so I send you to Rastafari Hell.
The guy disappears and arrives in a place where every road is paved with hash, the bushes on the side are all beautiful weed plant with fat big buds, tippies and rizla are growing on the trees, ....
The guy roll an immense joint and see Bob Marley sitted on a bench.
"Hey Bob ! Jesus told me it was hell, but fuck it seems to be the fucking heaven"
"Oh, answers Bob Marley, they gave you a lighter ?"

spidergawd · Post by **spidergawd** » Tue 5th Jan 2010 11:08 am

Panog wrote:A stoner dies and arrives to heaven.
Jesus looks at him and say : okay, you was a good guy but you smoked marijuana, the devil herb, so I send you to Rastafari Hell.
The guy disappears and arrives in a place where every road is paved with hash, the bushes on the side are all beautiful weed plant with fat big buds, tippies and rizla are growing on the trees, ....
The guy roll an immense joint and see Bob Marley sitted on a bench.
"Hey Bob ! Jesus told me it was hell, but fuck it seems to be the fucking heaven"
"Oh, answers Bob Marley, they gave you a lighter ?"

Too cruel

Panog · Post by **Panog** » Tue 5th Jan 2010 11:16 am

I'm glad you understood 'coz I'm french and I was wondering if my translation was in good english ^^

spidergawd · Post by **spidergawd** » Tue 5th Jan 2010 02:34 pm

Excellent joke, perfect translation, Panoq.

artymac · Post by **artymac** » Wed 6th Jan 2010 01:38 am

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to do it, while the other five take your kids away!
Or, alternatively, just the one, but it really has to want to be changed!

What do you call 20 lawyers, 15 estate agents and 10 traffic wardens trapped in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean? A start!

Man walks into a butchers and asks the ower, "have you got a sheeps head?" Guy says "no it's just the way i comb my hair"!

Boner · Post by **Boner** » Wed 6th Jan 2010 01:51 am

I was at the Cashpoint this morning when an old lady asked me to check her balance...............so I pushed her over!!!

Pauli Wallnuts · Post by **Pauli Wallnuts** » Wed 6th Jan 2010 02:10 am

artymac wrote:Man walks into a butchers and asks the ower, "have you got a sheeps head?" Guy says "no it's just the way i comb my hair"!

artymac · Post by **artymac** » Wed 6th Jan 2010 03:12 am

The towns worst drunk wanders into the roughest bar in the place hopin' to scrounge a few drinks by entertaining the troops with his usual bit of singin' and dancin'. But times are tough and nobodies buying. On seeing how desperate the drunk's gettin', one guy says, "Sure, i'll buy you a whisky and a beer, but you'll have to take a sip out the spittoon first". The drunk looks down and spots the spittoon, almost brimming over with green and yellow slime, topped off with cigarette ends. But such is his craving that he carefully lifts the spittoon to his lips and with all the eager eyes watching, gulps the full contents down before slammin' the empty pot down on the bar. The place is in uproar, the guy says, "you only had to have a sip from the spittoon to win the drinks"! The drunk says "I know, but it was all on the one string"!

angry pirate · Post by **angry pirate** » Tue 26th Jan 2010 11:58 am

i drove into the back of a blokes car last night, only a little dent mind, and when he got out i noticed he was a dwarf.
He walked round to inspect the damage, shakin his head and said " Tell you what, I'm NOT happy..."
"Really?" sez me....
"WHICH ONE ARE YOU THEN????"

Dobern · Post by **Dobern** » Tue 26th Jan 2010 01:48 pm

Stephen Hawking came back from his first ever date, with scraped knees, bruised wrists, and a big cut on his forehead.

Apparently she stood him up!

darkglobe · Post by **darkglobe** » Tue 26th Jan 2010 04:22 pm

The wife came home and found her husband swatting flies,
"How are you doing "she asks,
"Pretty good,I've got 5 so far,3 males and 2 females"
"What !!!" she says amazed,"how can you tell their sex"?
"Well, 3 were on the beercan and 2 were on the phone ".

angry pirate · Post by **angry pirate** » Tue 26th Jan 2010 11:41 pm

My girl's favourite joke....

A woman is lying in bed when her husband walks in with a sheep under his arm and declares "this is the pig i fuck when you've got a headache"
"Thats not a pig, it's a sheep" says the wife.

"I was talkin to the sheep"