JOKES.

[Pauli Wallnuts]

Just drove past Wayne Bridge's house.......


I see he's out then

thanks to shaun@LJ'S

[Pauli Wallnuts]

And all because the lady love's.......


Melts in yer mouth

thanks to shaun@LJ'S

[mrdcotor]

Economic Models explained with Cows - 2007 update

A suggestion

REALISTIC CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You plan to sell one cow to buy a bull and make an herd but bull cost twice a cow.
Start selling milk to make capital for a bull but your neighbours with 8 cows sells the milk at a very low price so you need 20 years to buy a bull.
You make an herd with half a life of sorrow and pain then comes to town a corporation herd with more of all the cows in town and you kill yourself.

[Pauli Wallnuts]

If you know the Bible-even a little-you'll find this hilarious!
It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions
about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the
bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected
(i.e.,incorrect spelling has been left in).



1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of

creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife

was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to

in pears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire

by night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4. The Jews were a proud people! and throughout history they

had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a

Jezebel like Delilah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made

unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the

apple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led

the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his

son to stand still and he obeyed him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He

fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical

times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700

porcupines.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang

the Magna Carta.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they

found Jesus in the manager.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to

others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not

live by sweat alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed

to get the tombstone off the entrance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12

decibels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a

taximan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy

acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.



Thanks to geordie from Sataid

[spidergawd]

That is just so funny PW. Out of the mouths of babes...

[Pauli Wallnuts]

That is just so funny PW. Out of the mouths of babes...

my fav is no.4

[Valo]

What do you call a guy with no shins??

....Tony


What full name has the most body parts in it??

....Tony Hancock

[Sir Niall of Essex-sire]

A husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a game where i am a rapist and i rape you ?"
"NO I DO NOT " replies the wife angrily
"thats the spirit " says the husband

[Dobern]

Poor old Wayne Bridge, he's not even first choice at home.

Q. Why don't old women have smear tests?
A. It'd be like opening up a cheese toastie.

[Hotdog]

Wayne Bridge is refusing to play in the same England team as John Terry since it was revealed he'd had an affair with Bridge's girlfriend. Lets hope Terry shags Emile Heskey's wife next!

[Kermit]

Wayne Bridge is refusing to play in the same England team as John Terry since it was revealed he'd had an affair with Bridge's girlfriend. Lets hope Terry shags Emile Heskey's wife next!

[Twichaldinho]

Wayne Bridge is refusing to play in the same England team as John Terry since it was revealed he'd had an affair with Bridge's girlfriend. Lets hope Terry shags Emile Heskey's wife next!

If I was Ingerland manager, big Emile would be the first name on the teamsheet

I got sent this txt while I was watching Hearts get pumped oot the League cup erlier ( A whole other joke completly, not a funny one either )

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge up and said " Ive spoken to John Terry and he's lost the Armband.............
.....Do me a favour and have a good look under you're bed!"

[Hotdog]

Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star?
He had an arm like a baby’s dick!

[Kermit]

Wayne Bridge is refusing to play in the same England team as John Terry since it was revealed he'd had an affair with Bridge's girlfriend. Lets hope Terry shags Emile Heskey's wife next!

If I was Ingerland manager, big Emile would be the first name on the teamsheet

I got sent this txt while I was watching Hearts get pumped oot the League cup erlier ( A whole other joke completly, not a funny one either )

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge up and said " Ive spoken to John Terry and he's lost the Armband.............
.....Do me a favour and have a good look under you're bed!"

LMAO that much i think i broke a rib

[Hotdog]

*CRAP JOKE alert but keeping with the current spirit......*

Wayne Bridge returns home from training with a gift for his girlfriend
"hey babe, ive brought you chocolate penis, made by cadbury's"
"no thanks" she replies, "i prefer Terry's"