JOKES.

[Rufus]

Oh dear artymac that was pure cheese!!!! But funny all the same, thankfully I dont need to practice the accent too much

[artymac]

Oh dear artymac that was pure cheese!!!! But funny all the same, thankfully I dont need to practice the accent too much

Have a heart "Rufus", we're talkin' "Frank Carson" here

If that were "Roy Chubby Brown", it would've been "3 years fir f@@kin' stealin' a bar of "Imperial Leather", you old c#&k sucker"

The "Frank Carson" version was told before the watershed and in my opinion is all the funnier for it

[Trad]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,


'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[artymac]

What's the difference between Whinnie Mandela and a pigeon in Trafalgar square?

A pigeon in Trafalgar square stands a chance of sittin' on top o' Nelson's column!

Please note, after the "watershed"

[Bob2]

Gary Glitter is hoping to be the new aston villa manager after he heard they were young bent and possibly keane

[Dava]

this made me laugh! one for the lads!

[Dava]

[artymac]

Never were truer words put into cartoon form "Dava". The crimminal offence should be NOT explorin' the possibilities of ANY plant, never mind cannabis, one of the greatest givers of them all. Greedy, self centered businesses and individuals, who are very rarely held to account and even then it's still rarer that the punishment handed down reflects the damage done

[Dava]

Never were truer words put into cartoon form "Dava". The crimminal offence should be NOT explorin' the possibilities of ANY plant, never mind cannabis, one of the greatest givers of them all. Greedy, self centered businesses and individuals, who are very rarely held to account and even then it's still rarer that the punishment handed down reflects the damage done

its mind boggling just how much paper we produce and how much forest we cut down, all paper should be hemp paper!! like it was in the old days!! they certainly had there head screwed on when you look at what you can actually benefit from such a plant! it can be used for all sorts!!!

[spidergawd]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[badbone]

ROFL

[artymac]

Excellent stuff "Spidergawd", chortlin' long with my biscuit and cup of tea
Stayin' on the same theme.....
"Dangerous Dan" decides it's also time for a change of employment, as the entertainment industry is dry bones(See previous page) and upon lookin' through the help wanted ads sees; "Wanted, Experienced mechanic For Busy Garage. Excellent Rates Of Pay And Benefits For The right Candidate". So as his time spent at "RADA" seems to be...not to be, he thinks, "that's the boy for me".
After presentin' his forged certificates, a glowin' reference from a famous friend and lyin' through his broken teeth, he lands the job.
So, it's the first day on the job and "Dan", as he's known to his friend, is there nice and early, chattin' to all his "fellow" mechanics, when the boss comes from the office handin' out the days job sheets. He says to "Dan", "See that "Ford Escort" over there. I want you to drop the gearbox out o' it".
So "Dan" slowly walks over to the car and starts to fuss about the engine, stealin' glances at his "fellow" mechanics to see if they're watchin him. After a little more pokin' and prodin', "Dans" stomach is in turmoil and lookin down, he spots the inspection pit just to his left, throws himself in and starts screamin' with what air is still left in his lungs.
Tools 'clang' to the floor, as mechanics come rushin' to "Dans" aid, closely followed by the panic stricken, coffee stained boss and a host of concerned customers, just in time to witness a dazed "Dan" bein' pulled from his grave.
"Dan" explains through sobs and gasps, that he slipped on a patch of oil and it's, "a miracle i'm still alive!"
The boss is shittin' himself, as all the customers look at him, that he's about to get sued, so tells "Dan" to get himself down to the hospital for a check-up, take the rest of the month off to recover and don't worry a thing about money.
So, after a month of sittin' at home, bein' paid to surf the 'porn', "Dan" turns up to start his next shift, thankin' everybody for the cards and best wishes.
After a hearty pat on the back the boss says to "Dan", "see that "Toyota Corolla" over there, i want you to drop the gearbox out o' it", so "Dan" again slowly walks over to the car and tries to look professional, whistlin', pickin' his nose and swipin' it on his near spotless overalls until the boss smiles and walks away.
Things are not gettin' any easier for "Dan", as a "Corolla" might as well be the name of a 'nude' book for all the difference it's makin' to him. He glances to his 'lucky' left again and sees a car 'jacked' up and unattended, so he quickly rocks it back and forward til' it crashes to the ground trappin' his foot.
"Dan" screams like he's auditioning for "Tom and Jerry" and once again all hell breaks loose, with people runnin' to his aid from every direction. The car is quickly hoisted off "Dans" foot and he's carried into the office and laid out on a desk to have an estimate.
Very badly bruised foot, possible broken toe and the safety shoe is a write-off...so you'll need new ones on both sides. Say, 2 months off, give or take, with full pay and time to 'hit' the "Haynes" repair manuals hard.
So, 2 months later, 20lbs heavier, "Dan" returns to work, with all his "fellow" mechanics all ribbin' him about his 'tan' and they're runnin' a sweep on him..so the boss comes in and starts to give out the jobs for the day. He says, "Dan", "See that BMW over there, i want you to drop the gearbox out o' it",...at which point "Dan" breaks down and starts to become very agitated and emotional.
"Dans" boss is astonished, grabs him by the shoulders and cries, "Is it too soon son, are you no' ready to come back yet?", as the tears roll down "Dans" face.
"Dan" just looks at him and sobs, "I'm i the only cunt in here, that knows anythin' about gearboxes!!"

[Trad]

I was at a bar last night, and I met this really pretty girl wearing a sweater with a big maple leaf on the front. I walked up to her and said 'Hi, my name is "Three Goal Lead" and I was thinking that someone wearing a Toronto Maple Leaf sweater would surely blow a three goal lead'.

[Adamster]

The Leafs are the Joke of the 6 originals ! Do i need to say more? YES! when last time they won a cup? Hehe!

[artymac]

"Trad", i'm not sure if you're gloatin', or self harmin' Either way, i know of several teams that can leave you like that. But with your previous joke bein' about commitin' suicide, i'd just like to say i, and the rest of the forum, are here for you if you need to be talked down