JOKES.

Jokes, video clips, etc.

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islandgurl
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Location: Got my toes in the water, ass in the sand.

Re: JOKES.

Post by islandgurl »

Trad wrote:I was at a bar last night, and I met this really pretty girl wearing a sweater with a big maple leaf on the front. I walked up to her and said 'Hi, my name is "Three Goal Lead" and I was thinking that someone wearing a Toronto Maple Leaf sweater would surely blow a three goal lead'.
:lol: :lol:

Speaking of gynecologists, Hillary Clinton had her annual exam and was quite excited to tell Bill the results:

Hillary: "The doctor said I have the breasts of a 39 year old!!"
Bill: "Yeah well what did he say about your 64 year old cunt?"
Hillary: "We didn't discuss you."


Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Trad
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Re: JOKES.

Post by Trad »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Speaking of assholes... :shock: :shock: :shock:

I just got the results back from a colonoscopy and much to the wife's surprise my head was nowhere to be seen.
If I don't see you no more in this world, I'll meet you on the next one.
JMH
artymac
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Re: JOKES.

Post by artymac »

It's a young trainee's first day on the job as a mortuary attendant and he's asked to prepare body number 22 for its autopsy.

After a minute he comes rushin' into the office and exclaims, "That woman in there, the one you asked me to prepare for the autopsy, she got a prawn between her legs :shock: :shock: ".

The pathologist looks at him in disbelief and says, ...."You've got a lot to learn kid, that's a clitoris".

The young trainee licks his lips and says, "Well, it tasted like a prawn to me!!". :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Trad
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Re: JOKES.

Post by Trad »

I was sitting talking to an old army Veteran the other day and the conversation turned to sex.
I asked him "When was the last time you had sex?". He sat, stared for a moment and then replied "I believe it was 1958"
I was shocked, "That's a long time" I sputtered.



"Not really, it's only 2115 now" he said, looking at his watch.
If I don't see you no more in this world, I'll meet you on the next one.
JMH
artymac
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Location: west coast of Scotland

Re: JOKES.

Post by artymac »

A 'punk' rocker, complete with mohican hairstyle and 'safety' pinned togethered clothes, gets on a bus, walkin' up the aisle annoyin' everyone as he goes and sits on the back seat, besides a 'nun' in full length robes.
The 'punk' can't help himself and starts shoutin', swearin' and makin' obscene gestures in front of the poor woman, until she can take no more and gets up and, cryin' hysterically, rushes off the bus.
The 'punk' is wettin' himself with laughter and keeps the cabaret goin' for the benefit of the other terrified passengers, until it's his stop to get off.
He's just at the door ready to leave when the driver says, "You're a rotten bastard!!. That poor nun got off the bus 3 stops early because of you and it's bouncin' with rain. She'll be lucky if she doesn't catch her death of the cold".
"Fuck her!!", the 'punk' sneered. "The walk i'll do her good!!" ...and starts laughin' again.
The few remainin' passengers are tuttin' and murmurin' under their breathe and the driver who is livid says, "You don't know anythin' about that poor woman and you've treated her like shit".
"What's it got to do with you? Prick.", ...the 'punk' spits, swivellin' around, tryin' to do his best "Sid Vicious" impersonation.
"That's 'Sister' "Susan", the driver says, "She does lots of great work with delinquents like you, tryin' anythin' to get you lot back on the straight and narrow. Never gives up on any of them".
The 'punk's' pissin' himself laughin', ringin' the bell to get off, when the driver says, "Every "Friday" night at midnight, that selfless, kindhearted woman, sits by the cemetery gates, ..tryin' her best to stop morons like you from bein' led astray by the whores and prostitutes of the world, ..by offerin' herself, ...givin' oral sex :shock: :shock: , ...to try and make scum like you realise that the path you are on, ..will only lead to despair...but you, ...you'd never listen, or repent your sins, ...and anyway, ...with you it wouldn't matter.
'Sister' "Susan", has been tryin' to save the souls of those long haired, leather clad, 'hells angels', ..what with stuff like this happenin', she'd run a mile if she seen you, ...fuckin 'punk' rocker!!!".
The 'punk' hops off the bus, with a flurry of expletives ringin' in the ears of the driver and passengers and heads home....but there's an evil little voice in his head and, as bein' an antichrist hasn't really been much fun recently,...he 'pats' his 'mohican' flat, gets himself a long blonde wig, borrows a studded leather bike jacket ...and "Friday" night, heads up the cemetery at midnight.
The 'punk' can barely believe his luck and can hardly stop his sniggerin' when he sees 'Sister' "Susan", sittin' on a chair in the shadows by the gate readin' a bible, which she closes and beckons him over.
He's nearly fallen flat on his face in his hurry and has already got his cock out by the time he's over to her, which she takes in one fluid motion, ..the full shaft, down the gullit, balls in the mouth and starts to deep throat him!!!!
The 'punk' nearly faints, ...as 'Sister' "Susan" gives him the best blow job he's ever had, only stoppin' occasionally to catch her breathe, mumblin' "Lord god, save this sinner!!" and "Jesus, lead him to the path of righteousness!!", ...when, he can take no more, ...pulls out his cock from her mouth and lets loose a torrent of 'come' into the face of 'Sister' "Susan", ...tearin' the wig from his head shoutin', "Ha Haaaa, i'm a 'punk' rocker!!!"
'Sister' "Susan" leaps to her feet, kicks him in the balls and pullin' the habit from her head, shouts..."Ha Haaaa, i'm the bus driver!!!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Boner
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Re: JOKES.

Post by Boner »

How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill two and half men.
Being pedantic and knobbish since 1972
artymac
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Re: JOKES.

Post by artymac »

Boner wrote:How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill two and half men.
Never stopped laughin' the whole time it took me to log-in. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Me thinks Mr "Sheen" beleaves he's become bullit proof.... could be a lot more to come about 'that' "Charlie" :shock: :shock: :wink:

"Mavis" has been greivin' the loss of her husband "Hector" for five years, when she can no longer fight the temptations of the flesh with "Walter", who has been respectfully courtin' her for 9 months.
So they make a reservation at a quiet, romantic, lakeside hotel for the weekend to consummate their love.
After a first night intimate dinner, they go back to their room where "Walter" tenderly undresses "Mavis", until he only has a pair of plain black underpants between him and his prize....when he asks, "What's with such plain black knickers?"
"Mavis" puts her hand under his chin and jerks his head up to face her and says," My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there i'm still in mourning" and lets his head drop again.
The next night plays out the same, with "Mavis" standin' all but naked, apart from her plain black knickers, as she sensuously strips "Walter" of all his clothes, until she reaches his bulgin' boxer shorts, which, as she moves them over and down, she comes face to face with "Walter's" 'whopper', wearing a black condom.
"What's with the black condom?", she asks.
"Walter" says, " I just want to offer my deepest condolences"!!!. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink:
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Dava
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Re: JOKES.

Post by Dava »

elite troops!!!


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artymac
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Re: JOKES.

Post by artymac »

"Dava", i'm roaring with laughter as i type this :lol: :lol: :lol: dabbin' at my eyes....absolutely priceless :lol: :lol: 8) 8)
Everything about this is just so good!!!! Take the rest of the week off, smoke yourself silly and keep searching for more of the same!!! :wink: :lol: :lol:
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Dava
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Re: JOKES.

Post by Dava »

artymac wrote:"Dava", i'm roaring with laughter as i type this :lol: :lol: :lol: dabbin' at my eyes....absolutely priceless :lol: :lol: 8) 8)
Everything about this is just so good!!!! Take the rest of the week off, smoke yourself silly and keep searching for more of the same!!! :wink: :lol: :lol:

hehe wish i could! will see if i can find anymore haha! :mrgreen:
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gixxer
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Re: JOKES.

Post by gixxer »

fucking brilliant dava :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
RIP Lee Rigby

a fallen brother
artymac
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Re: JOKES.

Post by artymac »

Still laughin' "Dava" :lol: :lol: :lol:

Ah "Gixxer", ...that MUST have kindled some memories...care to share (If it's not gonna give the game away, or get you into trouble with former friends!!) some stories...
I'm sure a few other ACDers with a similar former employers, (Uncle Ron) will particularly enjoy "Dava's" video and any printable (you could change the names to protect the guilty :lol: :lol: :lol: ) 'moments' that spring to mind :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Keep up the good work "Dava" :lol: :lol:

Still laughin'. :lol: :lol: :lol: , did the cameraman not think it would have been a good idea to start running as well. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Dava
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Re: JOKES.

Post by Dava »

Image

Image
artymac
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Re: JOKES.

Post by artymac »

"Dava", thank god you've got too much time on your hands!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well worth sharin' my last 'top boot' joint with you for them vids,(I've had more fun with your videos than 'the boot').....magic mate!!
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Dava
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Re: JOKES.

Post by Dava »

artymac wrote:"Dava", thank god you've got too much time on your hands!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well worth sharin' my last 'top boot' joint with you for them vids,(I've had more fun with your videos than 'the boot').....magic mate!!
haha its ok mate, i browse through a few blogs while im at work and pic off stuff that i see worthy and chuck it in here!!
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