JOKES.

[gixxer]

Ah "Gixxer", ...that MUST have kindled some memories...care to share (If it's not gonna give the game away, or get you into trouble with former friends!!) some stories...
I'm sure a few other ACDers with a similar former employers, (Uncle Ron) will particularly enjoy "Dava's" video and any printable (you could change the names to protect the guilty ) 'moments' that spring to mind

@artymac, yeah m8 i can think of 1 or 2 equipment malfunctions, most involving the utter shite sa80(mk1) or boots in the falklands

[Dava]

[Dava]

[Trad]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and then laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought





"These stun guns are well worth the money".

[Wrap_it_up_B]

what are the mario brothers clothes made out of...
denim-denim-denim

What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaains

Guy walks into a Chinese restaurant and says, Give me a stoli with a twist.
The Chinese bartender says
Ok. Once pon time, there were FOUR bear.

two dyslexic guys walk into a bra

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You cant jelly your dick down a girls throat.

OHHHHHHHHH!

[artymac]

Guy walks into a Chinese restaurant and says, Give me a stoli with a twist.
The Chinese bartender says
Ok. Once pon time, there were FOUR bear.

.....Mummy bear, Daddy bear, Baby bear.....and 'Fred' bear.... ..had been in the woods all day 'bearing' and wearily made their way home to their log cabin.
Once inside the Daddy bear immediately sensed danger and said, "Who's been sittin' in my chair?".
At that the Mummy bear came rushin' from the master bedroom and exclaimed angrily, "Who's been sleepin' in my bed?"
Only after Mummy bear's rantin' and ravin' has died down do they hear the quiet sobbin' of Baby bear, who through tears and howls and wipin' his nose on his furry forearm, whines, "Who's been eatin' my porridge?".
At this, 'Fred' bear runs in from the kitchen and screams, "It's a bust!!... they've found the 'Meth' lab!!!... Run!!!!".

[davex4]

Hey, just come across this thread. There are some great jokes here. How about these two?


A middle aged couple were having a quiet night in by the fireside. Suddenly a small spaceship lands in their back garden and a male and female Martian climb out. The couple ran out amazed and invited the Martians in for a cup of tea. After a cosy chat the male Martian said " We have always wanted to make love to Earthlings. How about we do a swap and spend the night together?"
"That sounds like fun," said the husband "how about it dear?"
"Ooh I don't know." said his wife "We have always been faithful to each other even after all these years."
" Oh go on." said the husband who was eyeing up the female Martian whom he thought looked cute in a Martian kinda way. "Think of it," he said "we can tell all our friends we have slept with a Martian and imagine all the money we will make when we sell our story to the newspapers."

So the wife agreed and off they went upstairs to separate bedrooms. The male Martian climbed on top of the wife and started humping away. After a few minutes the wife stoped him and said "Look here, its not very big or hard is it?" The Martian said "That's OK, just twist my ears and it will grow big and hard." So she twisted his ears and sure enough his dick grew really hard. He took here there and back several times all night long.

In the morning, the husband came downstairs to find his wife sitting at the breakfast table with a big grin on her face. "How did you get on dear?" he asked.
"Oh it was great. I had the time of my life. What a lover that Martian is! And how about you? How did you get on?"
"Well, it was rather strange really." replied the husband. "She's a lovely girl, but she spent all night twisting my bloody ears."

**************************
Three guys get stranded on a tropical desert Island. Whilst exploring their new home they came across this wonderful Kingdom. It was full of beautiful maidens. Everyone was friendly and happy and there was a big castle with a high wall all around. The king approached them and said "Now you have discovered this kingdom, you may stay here. You can have the pick of any of our lovely girls and enjoy all the wonderful food here and be pampered for life. But I must warn you, you must NEVER look over the wall to the castle." The 3 guys off course agreed. They went off with the giggling girls and spent their time making love to any girl they wanted, eating all the tropical fruits, smoking cannabis that grew all around the Island and swimming in the warm ocean.

After about 20 years of this, they were getting a bit fed up and every day they wondered what went on behind the wall of the castle. So one day, they built a ladder out of bamboo and climbed up the wall to peep inside. There they saw the king and queen making love in the middle of the court yard as the guards looked on. Suddenly a guard spotted the 3 guys looking over the wall and they were summonsed inside. "You have broken your promise." said the king. "You must now face your punishment. First, I want you all to go off into the jungle and collect a bunch off fruit, then bring it back here. So off they went.

After about a hour the first one came back with a bunch of grapes. "Now," said the king "I want you to shove each grape sideways up your ass hole without laughing. I must warn you that if you laugh, you will be shot!" So the guy started to do this shoving each grape sideways up his bum. Just as he got to the last one, he burst out laughing! "Oh no!" said the king. "You were doing so well. Now we will have to shoot you. Why did you start laughing?"
"Well," said the guy "I just turned round and in the distance I can see one of my mates coming back with a huge bunch of coconuts!"

[Dava]

[Boner]

My girlfriend & I went out for a meal last night and some of the other diners starting calling me "paedo" & "cradle snatcher" all because I'm a 52 year old man with his 21 year old girlfriend, it totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

[DrGreen Fingers]

My girlfriend & I went out for a meal last night and some of the other diners starting calling me "paedo" & "cradle snatcher" all because I'm a 52 year old man with his 21 year old girlfriend, it totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Funny!

[Roccy Tittzenbeer]

I was bored to death at the weekend so I said to the missus “Right, me, you and the dog are going out fishing for a few hours”.
The missus says ‘I’m not doing that”
I said “Well you’ve got a choice; you either come fishing, take it up the arse or give me a blow job”
She says “I'm not going fishing and I'm not taking up the arse so it will have to be a BJ”
So I get my old 'pecker' out and she kneels in front and starts to do the business. After a few seconds she stops and says “This tastes like shit!”
I said “Yes I know, the dog didn’t want to go fishing either!”

[davex4]

Reminds me of my mate Mark, who once was break dancing naked in private in front of his bedroom mirror. He did a back flip against the far wall and smashed into it upside down. He broke his collar bone.

[davex4]

I was bored to death at the weekend so I said to the missus “Right, me, you and the dog are going out fishing for a few hours”.
The missus says ‘I’m not doing that”
I said “Well you’ve got a choice; you either come fishing, take it up the arse or give me a blow job”
She says “I'm not going fishing and I'm not taking up the arse so it will have to be a BJ”
So I get my old 'pecker' out and she kneels in front and starts to do the business. After a few seconds she stops and says “This tastes like shit!”
I said “Yes I know, the dog didn’t want to go fishing either!”

Heard it before, put another way so to speak. This version is well good and made my mates down the pub crease up

[Roccy Tittzenbeer]

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a
pint of milk & never came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

[davex4]

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a
pint of milk & never came back! (dont tell them a) your pin name, b (let them open that first letter after they realize that a) they married a GEAZAH and not So SWeet JOOOOOOHNNNNNNN (beware middle names here) who ran away a I even unded up at the police station for hiem saying ave my babies for me ya basrard!!!!!!!!!) married sewweeeet Davex4
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff." (Dave x4

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."