Deep in the Lungs of a Virgin

[GroeneTomaten]

Hello everyone, having just returned from my maiden voyage to Amsterdam I have decided to write up a little something. I stole a lot of good advice from the forum before I left so I'm paying something back. Enjoy yourselves.

So I booked my first trip myself, I just got too pissed off that I'd never been and I had time off from work for my birthday. Thankfully a couple of my friends booked soon after but I was devastated to discover they were going to arrive several hours before me. So devastated in fact, that I bought another flight so I would get there first, and so order was restored. My new shiny flight was so early that I had to get taxis and all sorts but still definitely worth it, though I later discovered I can now get the bus from London for a tenner!

All went swimmingly with the flight etc., though I do have a small something to say about airport moving walkways - great idea but let's face it, the pleasure of getting on doesn't even nearly match the dismay of getting off. That said, what's with the people that don't use them? What are you trying to prove? There's plenty of space for everyone and you will reach your gate faster. Sort yourselves out.

After a pretty uncomfortable 50 minute (jealous much?) flight sandwiched between two large businessmen, who I later discovered were travelling together, I arrived at Schiphol probably the most excited I have ever been, and yes, I've been to Disneyworld. I made my way without hitch on a train with two floors to Centraal, where I graciously alighted, breathing in deeply the thick green air of Amsterdam and smiling incessantly.

I cautiously made my way through tram jungle and found Voyagers, where I had planned to meet my friends and have my first coffeeshop experience. I picked up 10e each of Purple Strawberry Bliss, Kaligria, OG 19.5 (I think!) and Nepal hash. In my nervousness I forgot to remember which was which so later I had to guess by smell and effect. Having not smoked regularly in a good 8 months, my tolerance was that of a 5 year old, so I thought I better take it slow and wait for my friends to arrive. Then I thought, fuck that, and I skinned up a fat one. I'm pretty sure it was the Kaligria I smoked first and it was very tasty and very strong. It had a lemony head buzz and I thought I was doing pretty well until I got halfway down my joint. From now on things are going to get pretty hazy. With no notes or photos it wouldn't be too hard to convince me I was never there which is part of the reason I'm doing this report. Anyway, I found myself next to two young and very friendly Canadians who were on the forum, sorry guys I'm bad with names at the best of days but this time round I don't even know if we introduced ourselves. Anyway, they were just on their way home and our chat kept me from thinking I was completely fucked. When they gave me some hash as a parting gift (thanks guys!) I was left to eavesdrop on conversations and try to look normal; not easy, as I was shaking like a leaf. At this point I began to worry about my friends, who I calculated should have arrived by then. Luckily in my eavesdropping I discovered how to use Voyagers Wi-Fi. My phone didn't connect to the wireless network for the whole trip (which was excellent by the way - try it!) so I was able to receive a call from my friend over Wi-Fi who arranged to meet me at the station, having not received my clever rendezvous text that morning.

Now, as you're all aware, it’s a big fucking station. As soon as I'd left voyagers, I had no means of contact so I proceeded to spend the next 2 hours walking around and in the station stoned off my proverbial tits. On a normal day this would have been unbearable, but thanks to HighlyBlessed's top drawer gear I was having a great time.

Eventually I gave up people scanning and tried to use a pay phone. 15 minutes of wildly pressing buttons and I'd had enough, so I went back over to voyagers and got a signal outside, as luck would have it my friend called me then so we met eventually. Where I do not recall.

We made our way cautiously to our hostel narrowly escaping death by bicycle several times. The hostel was right next to Vondelpark which was lovely, and great for a couple of cheeky ones on the way home at night. We chose the hostel for its low price and smoking area, but this was a huge mistake as we were crammed in a room with many others, two of us had to share a bed and the smoking area was very small and always crammed with suicidally boring young travellers, who needed no prompting to regail us with their "been there" list. That aside, the place was clean and the facilities were good, and a limited but good breakfast was provided.

Dutch jam - I tell you what, those guys really know how to do individual jam pots. Perfect size and circular, so a quick wrist movement will eject the entire contents onto your toast, where it spreads beautifully, thick enough to retain flavour but small enough that there's no issue of finger splodging. Here we get square pots, you can't get a good purchase on it with a knife so there's always wastage and it doesn't seem to spread properly. Splodge after splodge, it’s a finger licking frenzy. Kudos guys, keep up the good work.

After sorting out our gear we went for a wander, one of my mates, who shall be henceforth referred to as Z, had picked up some white widow earlier and our other companion, N, got some amnesia haze and power plant. So sorry again I have no idea the names of the coffeeshops they were bought from, probably something to do with the amnesia, which we all agreed was one of the top smokes of the trip, very tasty and had a smoothness that we didn't get from any other haze, and a good kick to the cranium. Anyway on the first night we decided to live the local experience, so we got a burger king. Sorry independent Dutch restaurants, but when you've got to go...

We went for a stroll round the red light district which was an experience like no other. It’s like the air changes when you go down an alley, a constant stream of men in single file twisting shoulders to pass each other, never looking another man in the eye. When I look at a girl in a window my eyes inadvertently roll downwards, and when they come back up she catches my eye. I want to smile pleasantly, but caught off guard, I look away quickly, later punishing myself for being so dismissive and degrading. I'm sure they get much worse.

My memory is fading fast, colon open-bracket, so I have no idea what happened for the rest of the evening. Most likely we got stoned.

On the morning of day 2 I awoke early and waited for someone else in the room to get up, I didn't want to be the first weirdly. Up and showered, we went down for breakfast (wham, bam, thank you jam) and sorted out our morning smoke (that's wake and bake to those across the pond, apparently). I rolled up some purple strawberry bliss which ended up being a mistake as it made me shaky and paranoid. Too much too soon.

Having done a bit of research before my trip, I thought I was going to be a sativa man but it turns out I'm much more comfortable with the indicas. Don't try and ask your UK dealer what you're getting, the usual response is, "do you what the green or not?" Options are limited at best.

Much if not all of the second day was spent walking around, jumping out of the way of bikes and looking for cool places to smoke. We picked up a couple of grams of big buddha cheese and a couple of grams of jack herer which were both nice. The jack herer probably wasn't the best example but I enjoyed the taste and it had a nice earthy smell and a warm blankety high. The cheese in general was a favourite of the trip, we definitely enjoyed our cheese, buying also normal cheese and exodus cheese, I think from Tweede beside Vondelpark. More about that later.

We had a short relaxing experience that day smoking up in Vondelpark while a flotist played round the other side of a big stone circle we had chosen to sit at. He was amateurish at best and played an endless stream of notes with seemingly no musical structure, but still, nice to have a serenader. I say short because we were promptly interrupted by a scraggy looking gent wearing one fingerless leather glove and a combat waistcoat with all manner of scary looking devices in the pockets;
“Hey guys, where you from?”
“Scotland, you?”
“… You guys like to fight sometimes?”
[at this point the horrific recent happenings in Norway are looking pretty familiar. We are, to put it lightly, shitting ourselves]
“Uh, no we’re pleasant young men and try to avoid violence wherever possible.”
“Oh… maybe if I stop training so hard I get a woman eh?”
“Uh…. Sure”
“Can I smoke a bit of your joint?”
“Yeah, take the rest of it”
[swishes arm up in frightening movement, we jump] “How fast was that?”
“Eh... pretty fast”
“233 kilometres per hour. I trained with Bruce Lee, he can do 600. Crazy, man”
“Mmhmm, crazy man.”
The rest of the conversation was spent trying to get away as quickly as possible while not offending the guy. Thankfully we got away unscathed.

I think we may have spread our wings a bit that night and gone for a McDonalds. Getting embarrassing now but that was our last fast food stop! I bought a nice wooden pipe at a headshop which proved to taste... woody. We also found a nice coffeeshop with a friendly budtender and a couple of downstairs pool tables, we got a room to ourselves which was rare and good for one game until the table broke. Then we met a Californian with a bizarre ginger beard which he could not leave alone. He launched immediately into a tirade of his travels. I quickly cut him off, carefully and specifically asking what was his favourite THING (singular). He did not take the hint and talked for easily half an hour while we pretended to be suddenly engrossed in some film or other. It soon became clear he was just after some smoke and couldn't afford any of his own. He was only too happy to accept a joint from us though, even though it was a mix and I lived with a Cali girl, I know full well you guys don't do that. (A note for any friends who do accept a mix joint from a brit: we don't really do this toke toke pass thing, it’s more like smoke it for a while, a joint will only make 3 passes really). Eventually we left, got more stoned and went to bed.

The third day held my favourite times of the whole trip. Found a great way to wake up with some Jack Herer followed by some power plant. Calm the body then wake the mind! We were ready for the day. We found a reputable-ish looking massage place for N to get some foot work done; he had sprained his ankle and was suffering hugely. As we waited for him to 'finish', Z and I went round the corner to find coffeeshop Tweede. It looked nice, a cafe feel with good seats, so we made a note to come back. We smoked as we waited in the park for N to reappear, sadly he opted out of the happy ending, but happily his foot felt a bit better. We chilled for a bit and a pleasant man came over with a BIG camera.

A side note - I hate photos of myself. I hate them getting taken, I hate looking at them, I don't particularly like my movements being documented, and I especially hate it when I look a bit bleary eyed.

Camera man, "hey guys, listen I'm doing a project of people in the park"
Me, "well, you're in the right place"
"Yes I suppose I am, its especially stoned people I'm interested in"
"Especially, but not exclusively?"
"Ha! No. Well... Yes. Exclusively. Could I take a picture of one of you?"

Well, we could hardly refuse at this point and my "friends" insisted I step up to the plate, it being my birthday trip etc. Devastated, I took one for the team. "Just over by that tree" quickly turned into "stand closer so I can shove this lens right in your face" and was quickly followed by lots of "can you look a bit more stoned, please?" Nice guy, shame about the camera.

Harrowing experience experienced, we made our way round to Tweede. Walking up to the counter, we saw what can only be described as a rediculously attractive female enjoying a meaty joint. When she heard us purchase, she asked us where we were from and it transpired she was celebrating just turning 18, (are you sure?) and she wrote us a lovely note with some haphazard directions to Boerenjongens, recommending the white choco (with a smiley face - must be good!) and saying people drive for miles for this stuff, and they get a fresh delivery at 5. Jackpot. We took our extremely comfortable diner-esque table and punished ourselves for not inviting her over. Luckily, we didn't have to and when she strutted over requesting a lighter we demanded she join us. At this point we were all suitably mashed, so proceeded to drool and stare uncontrollably as she launched into a never ending story with infinite tangents leading to infinite tangents. The gist of this presentation was "I'm an extremely attractive barely legal amsterdammer who works in a candy shop, likes to get out her nut and party for days and you should come party with me later". Back in yore we would have been in there like swimwear, but these days we just like to smoke and chat, and we're not really into the grime scene. Anyway, she taught us how to roll backward which I'd often tried and never mastered. Those of you who are fortunate enough not to come from Glasgow will not be aware of our rolling habits: 3 small green rizla and half a fag. It’s disgusting, but it masks the taste of soapbar and/or sand. It's what we grew up with and old habits die hard.

However, if hotmadwaeitbarelylegalamsterdammer tells you to do something, you fucking do as she says, so we spent the rest of the trip getting to grips with backward rolling with one big thin skin and I'm proud to say we got the hang of it. We left our new friend and went out into the clean air. A few moments later, air and bike danger bringing us back down to a relatively low level of stone, we experienced that "did that really just happen?" Feeling which always seems to accompany leaving a coffeeshop. The atmosphere is so different it’s often hard to believe you went in at all. Thankfully, I kept hotmadwaeitbarelylegalamsterdammer's weed recommendation note, so I have proof it did happen!

Next we went somewhere (sorry!) and I got some orange bud. This was one of my main objectives of the trip. I got some Amsterdam orange bud a few years ago from my dealer at the time and it changed my life. I never knew green could smell so different from usual. It was like walking into a fruit garden. I almost didn't want to smoke it and just keep the smell in a bag forever. Anyway this was a particularly poor example that I got, but I did get a hint of that oh so sweet smell that took me back.

We went back to our pool table coffeeshop to find it was working and I got to work on another of my objectives: rolling a tulip. I have to say I was pretty pleased with my effort, backwards rolled the stem and everything! Took some time though. A good couple of games at least! We fancied some people watching so we went to the Grasshopper (avoided the green - cheers for the tip guys!) And we got a table right on the street. Great spot. Wish I'd saved the tulip for a night-time jaunt because the whole bud would have been glowing like a Christmas tree. Burned pretty evenly with minimal extra lightage, cashback. I think our evening ended there - few more joints no doubt.

Day 4 - ah the last day blues. Most of the day was taken up trying to make sense of hotmadwaeitbarelylegalamsterdammer's directions; eventually we gave up and went back to Tweede to ask there. The guy was very helpful and pointed us the right way. N picked up some more Tweedy and cheese which we enjoyed. We still needed Google maps' advice. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Google maps for getting me out of a lot of sticky situations many times in my life, cheers guys. Anyway we were way off our city centre map which was pretty exciting. We stopped at a cafe for a quick bite. This particular cafe had no notion of the term and we were waiting a long time. I mean we like to chill but last day! Thankfully I got the beef carpaccio sandwich. Holy shit. I like my beef with a bell on it and this was unbelievable. Two thick toasted bread with raw beef, rocket, parmesan and pine nuts. I almost cried.

We eventually found boerenjongens on an unassuming corner with a long queue of locals buying and flying - good sign. I told one of the 3 budtenders I was there on recommendation for the white choco and he told me to come back in half an hour for the fresh delivery as it was mostly shake left. No problem. We took a seat on a bench by the canal and smoked up what hash I had left. We went back as the runner was delivering the good shit. I picked up a couple of grams of the white choco and N got some amazing haze. The haze was excellent, not quite the taste of the amnesia but all the punch.

The evening of course went in far too quickly and we found ourselves in homegrown fantasy smoking up the last of our gear. We whacked a gram and a half or so of the white choco in a mango blunt skin - another objective ticked off the list. After a good long tour of the RLD during which we all saw the most beautiful girl we'd ever seen, we sadly meandered back to vondelpark to smoke our last joints and our blunt. We were enjoying a joint at what looked like a nice bench when we looked up to discover we were looking across a canal directly into the Van Gogh museum. Culture, tick!

When I smoked that white choco pure, oh dear lord what have I done with me life. Years of mixing with tobacco when I could have been doing this. I mean, guys, I really can't stress enough how delicious this shit was. So beautiful and smooth and I don't care what anyone says, I could taste that fucking white chocolate running down my throat and it was the best thing I've ever smoked by a considerable margin. I have turned. I will now advocate pure bud for the rest of my days. Not just the taste, but the effects as well. Stumbling back to the hostel giddy with the giggles. It was fucking fantastic and a great way to end the trip.

So we woke, naturally forgetting about the time difference and running like fuck outside, jumping in a taxi and making a train. When we got to the airport I'd lost my boarding pass and there was a brilliant moment when I thought I was stuck in the dam. Sadly easyjet were very helpful and printed me a new one pronto so I joined my mates at the gates. As we took off I was hit with a wall of pain and this only increased when we got back home and got some shite weed to bring us back to reality. Thank you Holland, I will return.

The smoke list (probably missing a few) with a final HUGE apology for not noting the places of purchase.

Kaligria
Purple Strawberry Bliss
OG 19.5 (maybe)
White Widow
Amnesia Haze *
Power Plant
Nepal
Moroccan
Big Buddha Cheese
Exodus Cheese *
Cheese (we like cheese)
Tweedy
Lemon Haze
Jack Herer
Orange Bud
Amazing Haze
Kush
White Choco *

*The stars of the show

I remember we calculated we blazed a couple grams short of an ounce between the 3 of us in 3 and a half days. Maybe not quite on a par with some of you guys, but not bad.

A final note: I went to Amsterdam for the weed and I was pleased, but I'll be going back for the city. What a wonderful place to hang around. I usually trudge from place to place with my head down looking introspectively a few inches in front of my shoes, but with beautiful canals, bizarre architecture and the 24/7 conveyor belt of gorgeous women cycling past I happily walked with my head held high. I'm very sad to hear of the impending laws of doom, let's hope the politicians can all sit down and mull things over a few Js and come to their senses. I'm hoping to move over, I've never felt such desire to get out and experience things. At worst, I'll be over for a few days in July. With luck I will perhaps see some of you there.

[Bifton]

Nice write up GT, and yes you have taught me something. I had never heard of boerenjongens, now I have an excuse to visit that part of town

[Stamford]

Cool write-up mate.
Shame you didn't get a picture of that girl, lol, she might be on this forum

[Lamont]

Very enjoyable write up, thanks for taking the time. Have not yet made it to Bij and boerenjongens in my previous visits, but will have to add it to my list for next trip - the white choco sounds lekker!

[MrBonez2012]

Enjoyable write up mate! Sounded like a fun first experience and brings back good memories
of my own 14 years back on a lads one! Thanks for sharing with us

Can't wait to arrive on Wednesday...... My mouths already watering

[FlyByNite]

Welcome to the forum.

Nice writeup.

When you have firm dates for your July visit, get them to me.

I'll post you on the Whos In Town page.
You can see who else may be in town and any Toke & Talks that are planned.

Enjoy
FlyByNite - Travel preference, not business practice
Coffeeshop Menus - Let your Mouse do the walking

[Mint]

Top reporting GT , very cool. I couldn't tell u any of the cs I went to on my 1st excursion, its all a blur

Good work fella

[GroeneTomaten]

Cheers guys, it definitely took a while, huge respect for the epic reports I've seen in recent weeks.

Very enjoyable write up, thanks for taking the time. Have not yet made it to Bij and boerenjongens in my previous visits, but will have to add it to my list for next trip - the white choco sounds lekker!

Please do - Het is erg fucking lekker!

[Roobarb]

Top notch report there GT

[Ghost]

Nice 1, cheers for taking the time to write it up.

[Cisco]

Fucking great report thanks for taking the time , Iv not visited Boerjongens in a couple trips will have to rectify that (with a side trip to Tweedy )

[Rusty Shackleford]

Love reading first timers reports

Dutch Jam

[Trad]

Excellent trip report. Great reading and well composed. Not bad for a first timer...
Having read the report, I don't think that was me you met in Voyagers....I'm not a young Canadian...I'm 61 and show it.....that is unless you are some what older than that? And I might be concidered young?....
Once again, great report and thanks for taking the time and effort to post it.

[verticalSquare]

Great report!

Particularly liked the description of the jam - "Splodge after splodge, it’s a finger licking frenzy."

you should work in advertising...

[ftcarer]

great read that