The clockwork stoner

[Smith2]

I'd wanted to use the bank holiday weekend to go to somewhere nearby I'd never been, like Rye. But it seemed hellishly expensive, and there was a cheap deal on a hotel room in Amsterdam for Sunday, which meant that I could squeeze in an extra trip without sacrificing precious holiday time. And the coach may be purgatory, but it arrives early and leaves late, giving you the most of two days. I've got to make the most of my time, so being organised is key. Smokers aren't supposed to be able to do that. Let's see.

It's the first time I recognise the driver from a previous trip, and my heart sinks; it's the diamond geezer, as I'll call him, who leaves you in no doubt as to who's the boss, but he seems in a better mood than last time. Arriving at 7.30ish, I help sort out various people who seem to take me for a local with basic Metro instructions, which is cheering. In Central with a much-needed cappuccino and bowl of Jack Herer (1.5g for €10) by 8. Resin's the next stop, for hash; forget which acceptable but unmemorable Moroccan I got.

Now it's time for the first item on Things to Do: over to 't Ballonetje for the NL ice. The weather's been doing an all-the-seasons-of-the-year-in-15-minutes panorama, with thunderstorms alternating with sun, and showers, and dribble. And wind. They haven't got any ice, waiting for a delivery, so I get some Nepal and wait; the budtender gave me a free pre-rolled with the ice, which was a very nice touch. Got slobbered over by a friendly retriever, then got two grams of the NL ice (€9 per g, and its taste shouldn't be ruined by tobacco, you know, though there's no accounting for preferences) when it was delivered.

By now it's 11ish, and time to get going for kulcha in the form of a free concert at the Vondelkerk, part of the Uitmarkt festival. It looks walkable. But that's the next post. Some pics: https://picasaweb.google.com/kurwamac/A ... ayX_dbajgE#

[geekymonkey]

Sounds like a lovely start. Can't wait to hear more.

The weather's been doing an all-the-seasons-of-the-year-in-15-minutes panorama, with thunderstorms alternating with sun, and showers, and dribble. And wind.

Well, since you were only going to be in town for a few days it would be a shame to miss any of the weather- so nice of you to get it all at once.

[Smith2]

According to Michelin, it's two miles from Roetersstraat to Vondelkerkstraat. A rather long two miles, with several bursts of rain and the stretch down Overtoom taking twice as much time as I'd expected it to, like all long straight streets. And I'm feeling very Dutch, and like a clockwork doll, as I wait dutifully for the lights to change and snap to attention when they do, even on a quiet Sunday. I'm just about there for 12 – but Vondelkerkstraat looks entirely residential. I go into the park, in case the church is not actually on the street, but nothing.

Well, wherever the Vondelkerk is, it's not Vondelkerkstraat, and I'm not going to find it in time. So I might as well check out the coffeeshops – didn't see anything that appealed on Tuintje's menu, so go into Blue Lagoon, where I have good memories of the bud. This time I get hash and stay for a coffee, a not entirely satisfactory experience reported at https://www.coffeeshopdirect.com/forum/viewt ... 3&start=15.

My hotel's nearby, but I can't check in till 2, so around 1 I head off for the tourist office at Leidseplein to settle the Vondelkerk mystery. I get a full programme for the Uitmarkt festival, and ask the fresh-faced youngster behind the counter where the Vondelkerk is. 'There is no Vondelkerk,' he says. 'There is a Vondelpark.' Yes, there is a Vondelkerk, and lots of Uitmarkt events are taking place there. He looks it up, and finds it. 'It does not look like a church. That is why I did not knew it.' Still, he should have done. For future reference, it is in the Vondelpark, but not quite visible from Vondelkerkstraat. The Dutch can be awfully cute sometimes.

Go to the Hotel Mosaic, which looks rather like a baddies' den in a low-budget sci-fi film, take a shower and look for another free concert. There's jazz at the Concertgebouw at 5.30, and that's just down the road. I contemplate having a smoke as I cut through Vondelpark, but of course it starts pissing down just as I get there. The audience is almost exclusively Dutch – always up for something free, and the festival hasn't been publicised all that much for the wider world.

After that it's time to do the evening's shopping, in de Pijp and on to the centre.

[spidergawd]

Nice one ouirdeaux, I like to read about the "other" Amsterdam.
Just going to get stoned up is OK, for a while, but you only have to scratch the surface a little and theres a whole lot of other stuff happening to keep you amused.
And not being able to find places It doesn't just happen to me then .

[EasilySuede]

Great pics (looks like one blissed-out purr machine). Like the write-up too.

[Smith2]

Outside the Concertgebouw there's a stage and stalls for food and drink, but I pass up the opportunity of kebabs and the like as I go on to de Pijp, past its mini-RLD to Katsu, where I want to try the black widow, and de Graal, for computers and Nepal hash Or I could see if the NYCD can match what I had at the beginning of August, despite negative reports since.

As I enter de Graal the music is Bach solo keyboard, and although I think this is excellent stoner music, I don't expect coffeeshops to share my view. The closest I get to it is reggae, which isn't very close, really. I decide not to risk sullying my memories of NYCD and get the hash. The budtender hastens to say that he's about to change the music. I said I'd just been thinking that it was the music I'd play if I had a coffeeshop – and I wouldn't have any customers. He looked round and gestured at the chessplayers. I like de Graal.

But it was time to go for the major hash purchases, and that was supposed to rely on Utopia's temple ball. But they're out of it, which will force a radical shift in plans. I try the celebrated champagne haze, which lives up to its reputation. Best bud of the trip. I'm smoking it now, and feeling melancholy as I contemplate how little I've got left. I do wish weed weren't so bulky.

On to Siberië, where I get 2g of charras at €15, and the nice budtender throws in a free cappuccino. But after that it's an early night, so I head back to the hotel. It's the one night in a bed sandwiched between the killer coaches, so I'd better make the most of it.

[spidergawd]

I'd be right through the door of your coffeeshop mate, but I'd want the reggae now and again too.

I'm enjoying your travels

[Lamont]

Enjoyable so far, looking forward to more. Thanks for writing it up!

[geekymonkey]

Still enjoying reading along! I love the atmosphere of deGraal- haven't actually managed a game of chess there yet...

[Smith2]

WARNING: Not much smoke

The next day – the last day, and two days really isn't enough – was hot, as predicted. I was wearing the leather jacket I'd very much needed the previous day, so I knew what I was in for. Even so, my small rucksack seemed to have gained weight (well, it had a bit), and I knew I was in for a long day. But it's Amsterdam. Never long enough.

Risked a smoke on the communal balcony, then went towards the centre, stopping off for a much-needed cappuccino and rather indifferent g of blueberry at Noon. Then on to FOAM, one of A'dam's two photography museums. I'd been to the Huis Marseille the previous trip and wasn't that impressed, as it displaying the work of one rather tedious artist. Some of her frames were empty, as she was making a statement of some kind about art, or absence, or people who nick pictures out of frames. I thought she should apply that idea more widely.

But FOAM was supposed to have four exhibitions, so I had hopes. No, there were only two, because they were renovating, but as the woman said with Dutch exactitude, the couple in front of me would save money, as they were only being charged half price – and I would save nothing, as I had a Museumkaart. (I can't think of anywhere else that someone would point that second bit out.) The first exhibition was of ordinary family photos, and while they've got a bit of historical interest, it wasn't what I'd come for.

The second (as the attendant had also pointed out with relish) was at the top of about four steep flights crowned by a spiral staircase. I didn't count them on the way up, and even coming down I was a bit winded, what with the heat and no breakfast and the smoke, which may not have been brilliant, but. When I reached the top and checked that I was still alive, I was greeted with a grand total of very dull photos that I've lost the heart to discuss, and nobody's reading anyway. There was a short film that gave me time to recover. Then it was back down the stairs, where somehow I got disorientated and failed to find the exit, as the renovation in progress made things more confusing: there was a café part with an open door, but there was a rope across it, and it wasn't the way I came in anyway. The woman working there told me how to get out, I failed to find the exit a second time, and did more stair climbing up and down, and eventually went back to the café part and swiftly ducked under the rope, hoping to have escaped notice.

Now it was time to complete the shopping and do a few more things before the grim trek to Amstel Station.

[Hypno]

Another great report, thanks man!

[geekymonkey]

I'm reading. Sober and bad art strikes me as a bummer. Thanks for the report!

[Smith2]

Cheers for that. Well, I wasn't that sober. The indifferent blueberry was smokeable, and I'd topped it with some black hash as I usually do.

After that it was time for more shopping: back to 't Ballonetje for more ice, to Rusland for a bit of Nepal, not outstanding but OK, and the shop is a bit of a tradition with me, being my first coffeeshop all those years ago. Updated the pictures of Chica the cat: https://picasaweb.google.com/kurwamac/C ... 6PfprmBtAE# (last three). Went to the Amsterdam Historical Museum, just in case I hadn't realised how far under sea level I was.

Then on for more shopping. The order is a bit hazy here, but I discovered 420 for the first time, tried a g of Nepal and went back for another 5. Went to Siberië, another old stalwart. Asked for a g of charras without paying all that much attention as to what was going on. But when I opened it, it seemed crumbly, which it never is – hadn't been the previous day. So I queried it – something I've never done before, and wondering whether I was just stoned and paranoid. The budtender didn't seem surprised, gave me my money back. Still haven't worked out whether it was deliberate, accidental or she was just indulging a neurotic customer. It's always been a favourite of mine, the smoke and the atmosphere. And I'm sure I'll be back. But it did rather spoil the mood.

Still, mood never stays spoilt for long. After that it was off to Voyagers via Utopia to smoke the last of the blueberry, give away the pipe and head out for Amstel Station. Went to Delphinus for the traditional two beers before the bus (I don't normally drink in A'dam unless I'm with people who really want to, but this ritual prepares me for the long ride and, more importantly, turns me from a stoner with a mission into a respectable middle-aged traveller who washes down all the culture with beverages that are legal everywhere in Europe. Yes, I know, but it helps me to get into the mindset that has got me ignored by customs officials all over the world.)

So a bank holiday well-spent, if too short. And I did stick to my resolve to concentrate on the hash, much as it hurt me to pass up all the tempting green. The little I did manage to spirit back went over a week ago, but the hash would last me ages. Or so I thought...

[Rusty Shackleford]

Quality stuff

(I don't normally drink in A'dam unless I'm with people who really want to, but this ritual prepares me for the long ride and, more importantly, turns me from a stoner with a mission into a respectable middle-aged traveller who washes down all the culture with beverages that are legal everywhere in Europe. Yes, I know, but it helps me to get into the mindset that has got me ignored by customs officials all over the world.

Made me pish a wee bit

[Lamont]

Went to the Amsterdam Historical Museum, just in case I hadn't realised how far under sea level I was, and where they had this odd sign:



Um, I think you meant 'poles'. 'Piles' are something rather different...

Actually, not to be a pedantic jerk , but "piles" is the correct word. Dictionary definition #2 of a "pile":

A heavy beam or post driven vertically into the bed of a river, soft ground, etc., to support the foundations of a superstructure.

Loved your report, thanks for taking the time to share it with us....