Hey, man, can you repeat the question?

[CloudMaster]

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Wells Journal - Posted: November 06, 2014

Hey, man, can you repeat the question?

Amid the discussions about whether or not the UK should decriminalise the use of drugs last week, there was another less well reported bit of international news.

Uruguay has started registering cannabis growers' clubs as part of a plan to legalise the stuff.

Licensed clubs can grow a maximum of 99 plants each year, and members can take home just under half a kilo a year.

Meanwhile in August, growing up to six plants of cannabis at home in Uruguay became legal.
Imagine if this happened here? Maybe the legalisation of cannabis in this country in this format could have an unexpected effect. We do love our horticulture and our home-brew.

You can guarantee a Campaign for Real Cannabis would be set up within five years.

There would be village halls hired out for Real Dope festivals, where men in jumpers, beards and sandals would sit around talking about this one's nutty aroma or that one's light and fragrant tones.

Conversations would be punctuated by long periods of silence trying to focus on that wooden plaque on the wall over there commemorating the opening of the hall by Lady Somebody. Playing darts would gain a new sense of terror.

Cannabis could easily become so unfashionable that hardly anyone would smoke it anymore.

And some cherished British institutions would change forever…

"Hello and welcome to Gardeners' Question Time, we're here this week as guests of the West Pennard Horticultural Society and Cannabis Cultivation Club, and are grateful for the tea and delicious home-made biscuits provided to our panel, Bob Flowerdew, Chris Beardshaw and Pippa Greenwood. And our first question this week is from Mrs Matthews of Rose Cottage who has brought this rather sorry specimen, of what I think is supposed to be Blue Kush, along for the panel's verdict. Pippa Greenwood, what do you think?"

"Can I just ask if Mrs Matthews has noticed any sign of an increase in pests in the area? She has? Well a decade or so ago, I'd have said you had case of hippies, but they've largely died out now, due to the pressures of mortgages and the school run. Though I understand there are still a few pockets out there. No, what I think Mrs Matthews has here is an infestation of nasty little toerags. You can often recognise them from the whine of their scooters, so a handful of carpet tacks in the driveway may help.

"The only treatment is, I'm afraid, an electric fence or a particularly vicious dog."

"Bob Flowerdew? What do you think?"

"Well Eric, as you know, Blue Kush grows best next to a south facing wall, with a solid tea bag mulch based home compost. If Mrs Matthews tries that, along with judicious pruning of the flowering heads, she'll find that after a couple of reefers the Buddha himself will arrive in her vegetable garden on a white horse with flaming hooves, unscrew the top of her head and write the eightfold path to wisdom on the inside of her eyelids."

"Chris Beardshaw?"

"I can hear the colours. Everything's so green."

"Well, I think Chris Beardshaw may have had one too many biscuits. Now, as we here consider the nature of reality and that truth is beauty and beauty is truth, over to Kew Gardens, where I understand Martha Kearney has been dealing with an interesting problem involving bees."

"Yes Eric, some of the bees collecting pollen from the Panama Red plantation are refusing to recognise their queen, and have declared themselves an autonomous collective, in which the drones take it in turns either to not do a great deal of work or to endlessly recite old Monty Python sketches and fail to learn to play the guitar..."