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Or Floris France, oddly, and unsurprisingly no connexion to France or anything else. A bedbug-ridden dump to avoid, according to reviews, which don't take into account that it apparently had a makeover recently, and is now spotless. Which might have been a factor in how I bagged a room for €30, cheaper than good old Voyagers that I had planned to book. But ensuite, with a double bed and breakfast thrown in. And, wonder of wonders, a lift. Yes, you feel like you've achieved something at the top of those Voyagers steps, and it's very good for you, and the view is brilliant. But, you know, lifts are nice.

Prices seem to vary wildly, but if you hunt around you might find a bargain, and anything under €50 is worth it, in my opinion. It certainly deserves its place in my skinflint smoker's guide, for those whose priorities are clean, secure and cheap. It comes with bizarre extras – bubblebath for the shower, free international calls, the kind of things nobody ever asked for, but are strangely pleasant. The breakfast, in the Irish pub next door, has the usual (though slightly better than average) cold cuts and cereal offerings, with hot bacon and eggs as well.

Officially non-smoking – and the group of lads who checked in before me were given stern warnings, though I wasn't – but I take that to mean don't be stupid and inconsiderate, and you can get away with a cheeky toke in the bathroom or out the window. Anyway, it's right round the corner from Voyagers, so you can stroll down there to buy a tientje of something with the money you've just saved. And think, smugly, of the person climbing those 73 little pearls of ascendance to the room that might have been yours.

Not that many stairs to room 2 :

Not that many. But still, stairs, and I walk enough, on whatever level, when I'm in Amsterdam that I don't need the exercise. Besides, I've never been lucky enough to catch Room 2. Someday, perhaps.

Also, you can't get coffee at Voyagers before the shop is open, and for a proper wake and bake I need a cup of proper coffee with much proper caffeine. Breakfast is easy enough to provide, coffee less so. I've tried making do with the sort of iced coffee drinks you can buy in supermarkets, but it isn't the same. All it would take would be a kettle, if coffeemakers are too extravagant, in the rooms, so perhaps I should moan about this on the Voyagers thread.

This post is coming from the heart any one with a handle that includes the words old and fat and dwarf would in my mind avoid steps, however if you keep talking up this affordable hotel with lift we won't be able to afford it