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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

An elderly couple go to a new doctor for their annual check up.
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.  "After I have sex, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine.  Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern.  He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.  Do you  know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the  first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

While I was watching the game last weekend, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted
to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking
fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

LMAO code!!!! OMGOSH I loved those okay here's a couple back by popular demand and no I don't hate Clinton... I'm an equal opportunity basher, especially when it comes to politicians hehe

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'
most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hotwater.




When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."





The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but
what I think you need to know."



Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between Bushes

lololol you guys crack me up.. hehehe

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled
in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won
twice last week."

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking
baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn!  And all these years I've been chewing gum."

LMAO code!! I love this thread and hope it stays forever... okay here's
another.

A traveling salesman is passing through a town and has to stay the night. He checks into a motel and then on to the closest bar. He goes up to the bar & orders a drink. As he's looking around, he notices a pickle jar crammed full of 10 dollar bills behind the bar. He asks the bartender what the story is on the jar full of money.

"We have an ongoing contest here" replies the bartender. "By putting $10 into the jar you can take a chance at winning it all by completing 3 tasks".

"What are these 3 tasks?" asks the salesman...
"First you gotta give me 10 bucks to put in the kitty, then I'll tell you" answers the bartender. "OK... what the hell" says the salesman as he hands the bartender a 10, "I'm game."

"Alright", says the bartender as he crams the salesman's 10 into the jar. "The first task is you have to guzzle down that 5th of Mezcal over there...worm & all in one gulp. Second task is out back we've got the meanest Pitbull you ever saw in your life... poor things got a rotten tooth, probably why he's so damn mean and you gotta pull it for him barehanded. The 3rd & final task is we've got a nasty, ugly old lady upstairs and the poor old gal's never had an orgasm... you gotta go up there & make it right for her. That's it."

"That's Bullshit!", exclaims the salesman, "Give me my money back!"
"Sorry", says the bartender" but you do those tasks and you get the whole jar and by the looks of things, there's about 10 grand in there right now..."

As the evening progresses, the salesman gets a bit drunker. He's still irked about having been hustled. The more he drinks he starts to get 'whiskey muscles', along with more confidence...
"OK...Fugg it! " he tells the bartender "Les do it... I'm gonna win that fuggin money!!"

"Alright, buddy!" says the bartender as he opens & hands him the 5th of Metcal. The salesman guzzles it down worm & all..."OK...now where's this dog?" asks the salesman. The bartender points to a door leading outside, "Right down that hallway & out that door... you ain't gonna miss him!"
The salesman stumbles down the hall & out the door. All of a sudden theres the sound of a dog barking & snarling followed by the screams of the salesman. This goes on for several minutes followed by bawling & baying from the Pitbull.

"Holy shit!" exclaims the salesman to one of the patrons, "I think this guy just might pull it off!!"

The salesman comes staggering up the hall. He's bleeding from head to toe and his clothes are practically all ripped off from his bout with the Pitbull...

"OK" he says to the bartender "Now where's zis ol' lady wif da bad toof.... ?" <hic>

Why did George Bush cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Why did Dick Cheney cross the road? His was stuck in George Bush.

<BAD BAD islandgurl>

i like those IG...and i'm an equal opportunity basher when it comes to politics and politicians, but i'll stick to jokes here;

The husband and wife slide into bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
"Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.
"Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.
"Oh, honey, don't stop."

Then. . . he stops.

"Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote."

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.   All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,"I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks

him square in the eyes and says ........


"Grandpa ,....... Go home, you're drunk."

codejd wrote:"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh maaaaaaaaaan that was great, code.


A redneck was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" "Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?" says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"
"The fish," replied the warden!

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.

that was great (and true) IG.

here's more of a riddle for you all;

"what do you do if you see bears in the woods?"

PLAY DEAD

that one went out to all of you who were out there with me in Mountain View, CA., at the Shoreline Amphitheatre 13 years ago tonight!!!

music>sugaree>music