I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've
got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join
a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving
us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the
enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that
desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for
awhile.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always
get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired
and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing
some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget
where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to
get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the
back of his head.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last
thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts
with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are
already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You
think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
JOKES.
Moderator: Balou
A few jokes I found today, some are good some arent tht great also some may cause offense
I came very close to death today... I had a wank in the cemetary.
--------------
What started Feminism?
An unlocked kitchen door.
---------------
Well, the WD40 worked: the squeak is totally gone.
But now my daughter's guinea pig just lies there lifeless.
--------------
My wife just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons." I feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.
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How do gingers make friends? No seriously, I'm getting lonely
------------
I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.
I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.
------------
What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong.
------------
I remember when my mum would tuck me in...
She really wanted a daughter.
------------
What's yellow and kills girls?
China
-----------
My wife said to me the other day ''Your as blind as a bat!''
Ironically, the bitch never even saw me swing it.
I came very close to death today... I had a wank in the cemetary.
--------------
What started Feminism?
An unlocked kitchen door.
---------------
Well, the WD40 worked: the squeak is totally gone.
But now my daughter's guinea pig just lies there lifeless.
--------------
My wife just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons." I feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.
-------------
How do gingers make friends? No seriously, I'm getting lonely
------------
I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.
I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.
------------
What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong.
------------
I remember when my mum would tuck me in...
She really wanted a daughter.
------------
What's yellow and kills girls?
China
-----------
My wife said to me the other day ''Your as blind as a bat!''
Ironically, the bitch never even saw me swing it.
Like a Rock Like a Planet Like a Fucking Atom Bomb
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Twichaldinho
- Posts: 3830
- Joined: Sat 21st Jul 2007 07:08 pm
Q. What's the difference between a Hibernian fan and a coconut?
A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!
A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road.
One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.
"Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road,".
"Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Rangers fan on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there."
"No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the bastard with the door!"
A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!
A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road.
One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.
"Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road,".
"Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Rangers fan on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there."
"No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the bastard with the door!"
Endure
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angry pirate
- Posts: 1165
- Joined: Fri 29th Sep 2006 09:43 am
- Location: dublin
A few i got via e-mail
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy Fvck" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " Fvck Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm fucking having that!"
Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy Fvck" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " Fvck Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm fucking having that!"
Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
Babylon 'wan tief mi 'erb. But mi bun it bfoe dey come.
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Sir Niall of Essex-sire
- Posts: 3106
- Joined: Thu 20th Mar 2008 04:38 pm
-
liquidSwords
- Posts: 1400
- Joined: Sun 11th Jan 2009 11:21 am
- Location: East London
Celeb "Who Wants to be a Milluonaire"
Contestant - Wayne Bridge
Question: What colour is Vanessa Perroncels pubic hair?
a. blonde, b, brown, c. black, d. ginger
Wayne: "I would like to phone a friend"
----------------------------------------------------
Every footballer knows that if a full back gets to high up and leaves a hole it is the centre backs job to fill it in
Contestant - Wayne Bridge
Question: What colour is Vanessa Perroncels pubic hair?
a. blonde, b, brown, c. black, d. ginger
Wayne: "I would like to phone a friend"
----------------------------------------------------
Every footballer knows that if a full back gets to high up and leaves a hole it is the centre backs job to fill it in
Excuse me while I light my Spliff.....
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Sir Niall of Essex-sire
- Posts: 3106
- Joined: Thu 20th Mar 2008 04:38 pm
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Twichaldinho
- Posts: 3830
- Joined: Sat 21st Jul 2007 07:08 pm
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kingmonkeyman.ie
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Tue 9th Mar 2010 12:00 am
- Location: Bray-ruit
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angry pirate
- Posts: 1165
- Joined: Fri 29th Sep 2006 09:43 am
- Location: dublin
Heard about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
he used to lie awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Walked into the chip shop the other day and noticed a huge guy behind the counter reading a book on existentialism.
I thought " fuck me, a deep fat fryer"....
he used to lie awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Walked into the chip shop the other day and noticed a huge guy behind the counter reading a book on existentialism.
I thought " fuck me, a deep fat fryer"....
ACD Fantasy League 16/17 - 276297-87189.
Free to join
Free to join
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islandgurl
- Posts: 1222
- Joined: Tue 30th Jan 2007 04:20 pm
- Location: Got my toes in the water, ass in the sand.
During a particular Sunday sermon: "Dear Lord" the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust...."
He would have continued, however at that moment a wee girl who was listening intently leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly "Mom, what is butt dust?"
He would have continued, however at that moment a wee girl who was listening intently leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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Pauli Wallnuts
- Posts: 2999
- Joined: Sat 28th Mar 2009 04:19 pm
- Location: South London
Liverpool still have hopes of qualifying for CL next season
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXbNLkNh ... re=related" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;