JOKES.

[Adamster]

Yuo know you Brits say that We americans // canadians speak fuck up english hey? why when Brits sing then sound like us? who fuck up? you are!

[Pauli Wallnuts]

how do the scousers get home from old trafford?
easy, just follow the signs


thanks to shaun from lj's

[stecleary84]

Fuck me there are some handbags in here, people you either laugh at all jokes or you cant laugh at any.






On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people (all strangers) are stranded:
two Italian men and one Italian woman
two French men and one French woman
two German men and one German woman
two Greek men and one Greek woman
two English men and one English woman
two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
two American men and one American woman
two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman endlessly complains about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun

[Roccy Tittzenbeer]

Two heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

[roker]

Two heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

omg...funny man, funny!

[truckerclart]

how do the scousers get home from old trafford?
easy, just follow the signs


thanks to shaun from lj's

now being a scouser i find this fucking hilarious roflpmsl.

[articulomortis]

Jock and Genie go for a walk one day up the mountains for some exercise, and whilst up there, Genie decides she needs the toilet. "Go behind that bush there" Jock says, so off she goes behind the bush. Jock notices a hole in the bush and thinks "Ooh I could cop a feel and she wont even notice!". So he puts his hand in the hole and asks, "Genie, have you had a sex change?" to which she replys, "No, I just decided to have a shit!".

[roker]

LOL

[LadyJane]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people (all strangers) are stranded:
two Italian men and one Italian woman
two French men and one French woman
two German men and one German woman
two Greek men and one Greek woman
two English men and one English woman
two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
two American men and one American woman
two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman endlessly complains about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun

I love it. ha ha.

Here's one:

A man and a woman are in an accident, whose fault is it?









The man's fault. He shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

I "playfully" wrestled my boyfriend to the ground when he told me that one. I thought it was cute.

[Conkers]

What do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head?

- Hamed

What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head?

- Muhamed

[Pauli Wallnuts]

What do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head?

- Hamed

What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head?

- Muhamed

old as the hills.
should have finished it though,
what do you call a man with 2pieces of ham on his head, standing inbetween 2 houses?

[Trad]

What do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head?

- Hamed

What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head?

- Muhamed

old as the hills.
should have finished it though,
what do you call a man with 2pieces of ham on his head, standing inbetween 2 houses?

I don't know, 'what do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head, standing between 2 houses?'....

[hasj]

Muhamed alley?

[Boner]

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's ipod........after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

[echc1]

a koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint,when a little lizard walked past and said"Hey Koala!What are you doing?" The koala said"Smoking a joint,come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joins. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was"dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.Then he asked the little lizard,"what's the matter with you?"The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been smoking a joint,but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.....pt2 to follow