JOKES.

[artymac]

[angry pirate]

So the Big Brother house has Jedward and a swimming pool! Where the fuck is Barrymore when you need him!

That was the joke!! updated the software on my phone and the restore fucked up.
lost yer number too...

[Pauli Wallnuts]

arsene wenger

[CannaSir]

Lowering of:

The tone:

Q: How can you tell if your sister's on?
A: Your dad's dick tastes funny.


The age-rating:

Q: What do you say to a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses coming over a hill?
A: Nothing. You wouldnt recognise them.

& The IQ:

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs is both the same.

_________

Dirty old man and young boy walking into the woods at dusk. Little boy says "It's getting dark. I'm scared!" Man says "It's alright for you, I've got to walk home on my own'.

_________


Dustman (garbage collector) calls at the house of a Japanese man and knocks on the door.
Jap man: Harro. What you want?!
Dustman: Where's ya bin m8?
Jap man: I bin on loo!
Dustman: No, m8, yer DUSTbin! Where's yer DUSTbin?!
Jap man: I DUST bin on loo!
Dustman: NO! Yer WHEELIE bin for fucks sake! Where's yer WHEELIE bin?!
Jap man: Oh, OK. I wheelie bin havin a wank.

____________

[CannaSir]

Took the mother-in-law out the other day. One punch! Fuck yeah!

[DanFromUk]

Whats the difference between a women and a fridge?

The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out

Sorry I had to do it...

[CannaSir]

I was serving this smug cunt in a suit in Burger King when he asked, "So, do you enjoy your job then?"

"Yeah, it's ok," I replied.

He said, "I'm designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place."

"Good luck teaching it how to spit," I said, handing over his burger.

[CannaSir]

"The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat."

[CannaSir]

For my appearance on the dating show Blind Date, I decided to make my questions a little more difficult because I was tired of the stereotypical dumb bimbos you always find on the show.

Me: "To all 3 girls, what is Pi to 5 decimal places?"

Girl 1: "Oh, I dont like pie, sorry."

Girl 2: "I dont know, but I have 34DD's, and if you pick me, maybe I'll let you eat my pie big boy"

Girl 3: "That's too easy. Pi to 10 decimal places is 3.1415926536, and it is most commonly used to calculate the circumference of circles and spheres"

Me: "At last! A girl on here with half a brain cell!"

Cilla Black: "So which girl are you going for?"

"Girl 2 please Cilla."

[CannaSir]

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church, sits down in a confessional box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

[DanFromUk]

Have you seen stevie wonders new missis?

Neither has he!

[Boner]

Looking back, I was a pretty shit suicide bomber.

[Roccy Tittzenbeer]

My mates called me last night asking if I wanted to go over, have a few beers, play on the PS3 and smoke a few joints.
Sounded like a good idea so I grabbed my keys, got a few joints ready then drove over there.
We had a few beers then went out to his shed to smoke.
After a while the smoke was thick, the place stank and we couldn't stop coughing so we called it a night.
Was well worth the effort though, this ham is amazing.

[Boner]

I entered the 'Gynaecologist of the Year' awards and managed to scrape a win.

[Taylor]

The rules to hillbilly rodeo-

1. Stand behind your wife
2. Lean over her shoulder
3. Put your hands on her breasts
4. Tell her how good her sister was in bed last night
5. Hold on as long as you can