Posted: Wed 31st Oct 2007 12:14 am
Kinda figured that one out. The US version has the guy wanking with an HMO.
what does DNA stand for?...
national dyslexic association.
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Posted: Mon 5th Nov 2007 08:34 pm
Posted: Tue 6th Nov 2007 08:17 am
Economic Models explained with Cows - 2007 update
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped
dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder
who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you
feel you should have three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped
dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder
who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you
feel you should have three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
Posted: Tue 6th Nov 2007 03:56 pm
brilliant puffin 
a pregnant woman from washington dc has a serious car accident and slips into a coma for 6 months,when she wakes up she sees she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the dr about her baby.
the dr replies,"ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
your brother from maryland came in and named them."
the woman thinks to herself ,"no not my brother..... he,s an idiot!"
she asks the dr ,"well whats the girls name?"
"denise"
"wow,thats not a bad name,i like it!Whats the boys name?"
"Denephew"
Funny
Posted: Tue 6th Nov 2007 04:18 pm
Paul Mcartney is being interviewed on a radio station talking about marriage the host asks paul "if he would ever go down on one knee again?" Paul replies "i would prefer it if you called her Heather thanks!"
Boy says to grandma "have you seen my pill they were marked LSD
Grandma says to boy "fuck the pills have you seen the dragons in the living room!"
lol
Boy says to grandma "have you seen my pill they were marked LSD
Grandma says to boy "fuck the pills have you seen the dragons in the living room!"
lol
Posted: Tue 6th Nov 2007 06:01 pm
a woman goes to see her priest & tells him "father i have a problem.i have 2 female parrots but they know only how to say 1 thing"
"what do they say?" the priest inquired.
they only know how to say ,"hi we're prostitutes. want to have some fun?
"thats terrible" says the priest,"but i may have a solution to your problem.bring your 2 parrots over to mine & i will put them with my 2 male parrots whom i taught to pray and read the bible.my parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and your parrots will learn to praise & worship."
"thank you" said the woman.
the next day she brings her parrots to the priests house,his 2 males are holding rosery beads and praying in there cage. the lady puts her 2 into the cage & the females parrots say "hi, we're prostitutes want to have some fun?"
1 male parrot looks over to at the other parrot and says "put the beads away our prayers have been answered"
"what do they say?" the priest inquired.
they only know how to say ,"hi we're prostitutes. want to have some fun?
"thats terrible" says the priest,"but i may have a solution to your problem.bring your 2 parrots over to mine & i will put them with my 2 male parrots whom i taught to pray and read the bible.my parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and your parrots will learn to praise & worship."
"thank you" said the woman.
the next day she brings her parrots to the priests house,his 2 males are holding rosery beads and praying in there cage. the lady puts her 2 into the cage & the females parrots say "hi, we're prostitutes want to have some fun?"
1 male parrot looks over to at the other parrot and says "put the beads away our prayers have been answered"
Posted: Tue 6th Nov 2007 06:23 pm
a guy cant obtain an erection so he goes to the dr ,the dr tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and theres nothing he can do unless he,s willing to try an experimentle surgery.
the guy asks whats the surgery?
the dr tells him they take they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk,insert them in the base of his penis,and hope for the best.
the guy says that sounds scary but the thought of not having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
the dr performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to try out his new equiptment
the guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner
while at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. it gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
no sooner does he do this when his penis pops out his pants ,rolls across the table,grabs a dinner roll ,and dissapears back into his pants.
his girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments ,then gets a sly look on her face ,she says "that was pretty cool! can you do that again?"
with his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face ,he says "probably but i dont know if i can fit another roll up my ass!"
the guy asks whats the surgery?
the dr tells him they take they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk,insert them in the base of his penis,and hope for the best.
the guy says that sounds scary but the thought of not having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
the dr performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to try out his new equiptment
the guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner
while at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. it gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
no sooner does he do this when his penis pops out his pants ,rolls across the table,grabs a dinner roll ,and dissapears back into his pants.
his girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments ,then gets a sly look on her face ,she says "that was pretty cool! can you do that again?"
with his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face ,he says "probably but i dont know if i can fit another roll up my ass!"
English vs. German
Posted: Thu 8th Nov 2007 11:16 am
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one lessletter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th " with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one lessletter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th " with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
Posted: Thu 8th Nov 2007 11:34 am
Puffin13 wrote:Economic Models explained with Cows - 2007 update
Nice one P13 quotes on love and marriage
Posted: Thu 8th Nov 2007 11:35 am
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they jus can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you geta bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevent us from achieving them. Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and thesecond one didn't." Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Anonymous
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they jus can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you geta bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevent us from achieving them. Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and thesecond one didn't." Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Anonymous
Posted: Thu 8th Nov 2007 01:49 pm
very un-pc...
whats the difference between a truck load of sand, and a truck load of dead babies???
you can't unload the sand with a pitchfork
he didn't just say that, he bloody did
whats the difference between a truck load of sand, and a truck load of dead babies???
you can't unload the sand with a pitchfork
he didn't just say that, he bloody didPosted: Thu 8th Nov 2007 03:32 pm
difference between a wife and a terrorist?...................you can negotiate with a terrorist!
Posted: Thu 8th Nov 2007 03:57 pm
how do you make your wife angry when having sex?
phone her.
Posted: Thu 8th Nov 2007 04:11 pm
un-PC time.......what does w.i.f.e. stand for?????Washing,Ironing,F***ing,Etcetera no doubt i'll get slapped wrists for that 1 hahaha
Posted: Mon 10th Mar 2008 04:15 pm
mongo wonchops successfully returns to the ring after losing both legs in a landmine accident.
his pro record nows stands at 10 wins without DEFEET
woman goes into homebase to buy a wall mirror,the assistant asks; "do you want a screw for that?", the woman says "no-but i'll suck your cock for a lawnmower"
what does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A clit round the ear,a flap across the face & a crack on the head!....
his pro record nows stands at 10 wins without DEFEET
woman goes into homebase to buy a wall mirror,the assistant asks; "do you want a screw for that?", the woman says "no-but i'll suck your cock for a lawnmower"
what does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A clit round the ear,a flap across the face & a crack on the head!....