Husband says to his wife "we should wash your nickers in slim fast it might make your fat ass look thinner."
next day putting his pants on noticed they're covered in powder. "have you put talc in my pants babe?"
"no" she replies "fuckin miracle grow"
JOKES.
Moderator: Balou
Some of you might find the following in bad taste.
After her success in the UK Hide & Seek Championships Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European Champion Madeleine McCann.
Following the success of West Yorkshire police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed.
The Welsh mining idustry looks set for a comeback, apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.
After her success in the UK Hide & Seek Championships Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European Champion Madeleine McCann.
Following the success of West Yorkshire police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed.
The Welsh mining idustry looks set for a comeback, apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.
Being pedantic and knobbish since 1972
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
> Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price
> tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed
> out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax
> supersize.'
> But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently
> misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' & replied in a business
> like tone, his voice booming back over the same public address system:
> 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you
> knock in with a hammer?
This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology
> lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
> semen. A young woman raised her hand & asked, 'If I understand you
> correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
> sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that`s correct adding some
> statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
> doesn`t it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class
> burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red as she realised
> exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books &
> without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
> heading for the door, the professor`s reply was a classic. Totally
> straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn`t taste sweet
> because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue &
> not in the back of your throat'.
I have loads guys
> Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price
> tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed
> out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax
> supersize.'
> But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently
> misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' & replied in a business
> like tone, his voice booming back over the same public address system:
> 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you
> knock in with a hammer?
This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology
> lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
> semen. A young woman raised her hand & asked, 'If I understand you
> correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
> sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that`s correct adding some
> statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
> doesn`t it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class
> burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red as she realised
> exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books &
> without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
> heading for the door, the professor`s reply was a classic. Totally
> straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn`t taste sweet
> because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue &
> not in the back of your throat'.
I have loads guys
Babylon 'wan tief mi 'erb. But mi bun it bfoe dey come.
Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman working on a building site. They're high up on the scoffolding and having their lunch.
Englishman opens up his lunchbox and says "Rost beef and mustard? I'm sick of roast beef and mustard. I swear, if I get roast beef and mustard again tomorrow I'm jumping off this building".
Scotsman opens up his lunchbox and says "Haggis? I'm sick of haggis. I swear, if I get haggis again tomorrow I'm jumping off this building".
Irishman opens up his lunchbox and says "Ham sandwiches? I'm sick of ham sandwiches. I swear, if I get ham again tomorrow I'm jumping off this building".
So...the next day arrives, and it's lunchtime. The Englishman opens his lunchbox, sees that it's roast beef and mustard and leaps to his death from the buildding. The Scotsman opens up his lunch, sees that it's haggis and follows the Englishman over the edge. The Irishman opens his lunch, sees that it's ham sandwiches and he's over the edge too. Very sad.
A week or so later it's the funeral, and the 3 wives are talking. The englishman's wife says "If only I'd known he was sick of roast beef and mustard, I'd have given him something else".
The Scotsman's wife says "If only I'd know, if he'd just said something, I'd have given him something different."
The Irishman's wife says "Funny thing is, he always made his own sandwiches".
Englishman opens up his lunchbox and says "Rost beef and mustard? I'm sick of roast beef and mustard. I swear, if I get roast beef and mustard again tomorrow I'm jumping off this building".
Scotsman opens up his lunchbox and says "Haggis? I'm sick of haggis. I swear, if I get haggis again tomorrow I'm jumping off this building".
Irishman opens up his lunchbox and says "Ham sandwiches? I'm sick of ham sandwiches. I swear, if I get ham again tomorrow I'm jumping off this building".
So...the next day arrives, and it's lunchtime. The Englishman opens his lunchbox, sees that it's roast beef and mustard and leaps to his death from the buildding. The Scotsman opens up his lunch, sees that it's haggis and follows the Englishman over the edge. The Irishman opens his lunch, sees that it's ham sandwiches and he's over the edge too. Very sad.
A week or so later it's the funeral, and the 3 wives are talking. The englishman's wife says "If only I'd known he was sick of roast beef and mustard, I'd have given him something else".
The Scotsman's wife says "If only I'd know, if he'd just said something, I'd have given him something different."
The Irishman's wife says "Funny thing is, he always made his own sandwiches".
A spliff a day keeps the...errrm...what was it?
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Sir Niall of Essex-sire
- Posts: 3106
- Joined: Thu 20th Mar 2008 04:38 pm
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CHELSEA_SMOKERS_SOCIETY
- Posts: 1566
- Joined: Sat 31st May 2008 11:38 am
- Location: Bucks, England
a tramp walks into a posh jewlery shop, and proceeds to stick his hand down the back of his pants, and have a good root around.
the shocked shop assistant asks what he thinks he is doing.
The tramp replies 'hey calm down, the sign out front says "come in, and pick your ring in comfort"'
--------
ill get my coat.
the shocked shop assistant asks what he thinks he is doing.
The tramp replies 'hey calm down, the sign out front says "come in, and pick your ring in comfort"'
--------
ill get my coat.
Trips to the 'dam: 27
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Sir Niall of Essex-sire
- Posts: 3106
- Joined: Thu 20th Mar 2008 04:38 pm
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iwanitnow567
- Posts: 239
- Joined: Tue 17th Jun 2008 11:05 pm
- Location: Israel
1) jesus moses and an old man play golf. jesus hits the ball, the ball almost falls in a stream, but then it just rests on the water. jesus walks on the water to it, hits the ball again and the ball is in the hole.
moses hits the ball, the ball sinks in the stream. moses raises his golfing club, the stream parts, moses walks on dry land to the ball, hits it, and the ball goes in.
the old man hits the ball, the ball goes in the stream. a frog swallows the ball, a bird grabs the frog and flies away. the frog spits out the ball, the ball hits a passing golf cart, knocking a sinner dead, and rolls to the hole.
moses turns to jesus and says: "i hate playing golf with your dad".
moses hits the ball, the ball sinks in the stream. moses raises his golfing club, the stream parts, moses walks on dry land to the ball, hits it, and the ball goes in.
the old man hits the ball, the ball goes in the stream. a frog swallows the ball, a bird grabs the frog and flies away. the frog spits out the ball, the ball hits a passing golf cart, knocking a sinner dead, and rolls to the hole.
moses turns to jesus and says: "i hate playing golf with your dad".
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Englands_Finest
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Thu 25th Sep 2008 01:02 am
- Location: UK
Jokes
Why was the pastie waiting at the end of the street?
cuz it was meat 'n potatoe
cuz it was meat 'n potatoe
EVENING STANDARD (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
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Nice Dreams
- Posts: 99
- Joined: Fri 10th Oct 2008 11:00 am
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SRH_Spaded
- Posts: 217
- Joined: Tue 4th Oct 2005 11:12 pm
- Location: Chicago, Il. U.S.