SRH_Spaded wrote:whats the reall reason Hitler commited suicide
he finally got his gas bill(no offense intended to the jewish faith)
a little boy in a concentration camp has a little piece of bread to eat. just as he is about to eat it another jew runs by and steals his bread. the boy goes to his dad crying.
the dad calms the little boy up saying: "dont worry son, i got his number".
In light of the global economic turmoil, here are a few of the various economic models explained in layman terms.
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM You have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM You have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows.The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes.The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equityswap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows.You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both have mad cow disease.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb thes**t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy........
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
THE RBS CORPORATION You have two cows. But you want to be the biggest herdsman in the world. You quickly buy up as many cows as you can with money you've been entrusted with to look after your existing herd of two cows by your loyal farm-hands. You find out too late that many of the cows you have bought are infected with foot and mouth disease. The diseased cows are exterminated and you lose your money. You have to go to the farmer's co-operative to beg for more money just to look after your original two cows well. The herdsman is stripped of his herdsman's status and is sent back out to milk cows and muck out the byre - int he meantime however, he had been prudent enough to fill his refrigerator with a lifetime supply of milk!
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
jesus, moses and an old man play golf. jesus hits the ball, the ball almost falls in a stream, but then it just rests on the water. jesus walks on the water to it, hits the ball again and the ball is in the hole.
moses hits the ball, the ball sinks in the stream. moses raises his golfing club, the stream parts, moses walks on dry land to the ball, hits it, and the ball goes in.
the old man hits the ball, the ball goes in the stream. a frog swallows the ball, a bird grabs the frog and flies away. the frog spits out the ball, the ball hits a passing golf cart, knocking a sinner dead, and rolls to the hole.
moses turns to jesus and says:
"i hate playing golf with your dad"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'"
i managed to scare all the trick or treaters away this year...i left a pair of gary glitter's silver platform sole boots on the doorstep to make kids think he's moved in
you lot should have seen the party at Jonathan Ross's house! no joke, about 5 police cars outside at 8pm... sounded louder than some parties I've been too....
Ash333 wrote:you lot should have seen the party at Jonathan Ross's house! no joke, about 5 police cars outside at 8pm... sounded louder than some parties I've been too....
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.
The following letter from John McCain was intercepted by the staff at the mental health facility, treating Hinckley.
To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country’s new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout.
My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain
PS: Barack Obama has been fucking Jodie Foster. I thought you should know.
Bhang Buddie wrote:Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
now that's funny.
"Stoners... the only thing that bakes at room temperature..."
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the
belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs..
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled
high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he
still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for
millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with
someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
now that's funny.
