The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include:
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt Room which is huge and has no ceiling.
The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.
The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes a fifth time.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, Magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
The museum will also have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.
JOKES.
Moderator: Balou
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Bhang Buddie
- Posts: 633
- Joined: Sun 30th Sep 2007 08:43 pm
- Location: toking on the 420 bus, goin furthur and gettin higher
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freeyourmind
- Posts: 89
- Joined: Mon 1st Sep 2008 11:36 am
- Location: austria
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imcalledstu
- Posts: 192
- Joined: Mon 1st Dec 2008 11:24 am
- Location: Belfast, UK
- Contact:
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imcalledstu
- Posts: 192
- Joined: Mon 1st Dec 2008 11:24 am
- Location: Belfast, UK
- Contact:
A man is getting a shower when his 4 year old daughter walks in to the bathroom to take a piss, she notices her fathers genitals and says "daddy, whats that hairy thing between your legs?"
The dad thinks quickly a says "emm? ... that's uh ... that's my hedgehog!"
The girl is silent for a moment then says "Hedgehog? .... Jesus, It's got some Cock on it doesn't it?"
Always gets me. hehe.
Much Love.
The dad thinks quickly a says "emm? ... that's uh ... that's my hedgehog!"
The girl is silent for a moment then says "Hedgehog? .... Jesus, It's got some Cock on it doesn't it?"
Always gets me. hehe.
Much Love.
SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2009
SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2009
6th Place*
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
5th Place*
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009*
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
6th Place*
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
5th Place*
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009*
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
Cannabis is The Tree of Life
-
spidergawd
- Posts: 4420
- Joined: Sun 11th May 2008 09:21 pm
- Location: The Mars Hotel
Woman walks into kitchen finds man running around with rolled up newspaper. She asks him whats going on.. "I'm batting some of these flies" he says.
"Great, how are you doing?" ask's the woman. "Oh, pretty good," says the man "Ive got 2 females and 3 males so far."
"Wow how can you tell the difference?"
"Well, there were 3 on the beer can and 2 on the phone"
"Great, how are you doing?" ask's the woman. "Oh, pretty good," says the man "Ive got 2 females and 3 males so far."
"Wow how can you tell the difference?"
"Well, there were 3 on the beer can and 2 on the phone"
What a long strange trip it is.
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Pauli Wallnuts
- Posts: 2999
- Joined: Sat 28th Mar 2009 04:19 pm
- Location: South London
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me ?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male .
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work .
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral .
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me ?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male .
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work .
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral .
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
-
Twichaldinho
- Posts: 3830
- Joined: Sat 21st Jul 2007 07:08 pm
-
hippy_man99
- Posts: 350
- Joined: Sun 10th May 2009 07:32 am
- Location: Illegalland, America
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are being chased down the road by a bunch of police. They round a corner down a dark alley and see 3 large rubbish bins... Each climb into their own bin and close the lids...
The police come round the corner and see the three bins... They kick the first one with the englishman in is and hear "Meowww"
"Oh it must be a cat" said a copper
They kicked the second one, with the scotsman in it... and hear "Woof woof"
"Oh that must be a dog" says the cop...
Finally they come to the third bin, with the irishman in it.... The cops kick the bin and hear "Saaack o potatoes"
The police come round the corner and see the three bins... They kick the first one with the englishman in is and hear "Meowww"
"Oh it must be a cat" said a copper
They kicked the second one, with the scotsman in it... and hear "Woof woof"
"Oh that must be a dog" says the cop...
Finally they come to the third bin, with the irishman in it.... The cops kick the bin and hear "Saaack o potatoes"
norml.org
http://dailydutchtoke.blogspot.com
http://dailydutchtoke.blogspot.com
-
hippy_man99
- Posts: 350
- Joined: Sun 10th May 2009 07:32 am
- Location: Illegalland, America
An Englishman, a scotsman and an Irishman are being chased down the road by a bunch of police. They round a corner down a dark alley and see 3 large rubbish bins... Each climb into their own bin and close the lids...
The police come round the corner and see the three bins... They kick the first one with the englishman in is and hear "Meowww"
"Oh it must be a cat" said a copper
They kicked the second one, with the scotsman in it... and hear "Woof woof"
"Oh that must be a dog" says the cop...
Finally they come to the third bin, with the Irishman in it.... The cops kick the bin and hear "Saaack o potatoes"
The police come round the corner and see the three bins... They kick the first one with the englishman in is and hear "Meowww"
"Oh it must be a cat" said a copper
They kicked the second one, with the scotsman in it... and hear "Woof woof"
"Oh that must be a dog" says the cop...
Finally they come to the third bin, with the Irishman in it.... The cops kick the bin and hear "Saaack o potatoes"
norml.org
http://dailydutchtoke.blogspot.com
http://dailydutchtoke.blogspot.com
the 10th grade teacher asks jessica "what part of the body increases to ten times its normal size when excited?"
jessica reponds " thats disgusting i don't have to answer that."
so the teacher asks john, who responds " thats easy... the pupil of the eye"
very good says teacher. then turning to jessica shy says. "i've got 3 things to say to you young lady...1 you didn't do your homework.
2 you have a dirty mind.
3 you're in for a big disappointment
jessica reponds " thats disgusting i don't have to answer that."
so the teacher asks john, who responds " thats easy... the pupil of the eye"
very good says teacher. then turning to jessica shy says. "i've got 3 things to say to you young lady...1 you didn't do your homework.
2 you have a dirty mind.
3 you're in for a big disappointment