Amsterdam Coffeeshop Directory Forums

Helpful Guide to Euro 2004

Group A

Greece

Racial Characteristics:
The inventors of gayness, and obsessed with all things anal, the Greeks are notorious cowards who would rather hide like babies inside the arse of a toy horse than fight like men.
Expect them to take to the pitch in their traditional team uniform of studded leather mini skirts. Their love for deep fried squid rings is said to stem from the greasy foodstuff’s resemblance to a dirty bumhole.
The sport huge Tom Selleck style’ tashes, even the birds.

Good Points:
Invented kebabs.

Proper forms of address:
Stavros, gay horse botter, oily peasant-man.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Greek Character:
At a wedding the pregnant bride was cut open accidentally by a dim sighted uncle who mistook her for the cake.
Out leapt a creature, half-man half-goat, and sprang off with a wink into a nearby olive grove.
The uncle, realising his mistake, crept shame-faced inside the brides belly and hid. The groom meanwhile, drunk on white wine, forgot his woman and ran quickly after his hideous offspring, loosening his trousers as he went.


Portugal

Racial Characteristics:
Sly, morose demispics whose only respite from their miserable existence they find in the bottom of a bottle of fortified wine – which they consume by the gallon – more often than not at lunchtime.
The Portuguese cannot be trusted to live, save under a despotic regime, a succession of which they accepted with the idle shrug of most Latin types.
They used to rule Brazil, but left thanks to the Portuguese’ cowardly fear of lush forest, living as they do in an arid desert – which is vastly overrated as a holiday destination by millions of Brits each year.
The only greenery a Portuguese will tolerate is a golf course that he can use to fleece greengrocers from Birmingham.

Good Points:
Not Spain.

Bad points:
Syphillis. And their culinary expertise is virtually non-existent with them thinking everybody likes to eat bulls bollocks with everything.


Russia

Racial Characteristics:

Brutish, boorish lard-bags in cardboard double-breasted suits.
They make bikes from cement and are sent to Siberia for listening to the wrong radio station.
Their female athletes are fellas who’ve had their dicks cut off.
Good points:
Rarely allowed to leave their country and even if they could, they couldn’t afford the air fare.

Proper forms of address:
Redski, Russki, Commie scum.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Russian Character:
Three Russian kids were discussing what they wanted most. “I want a box of turnips to sell so I can buy a pair of blue jeans”, the first said.
I want a box of medals so I could get privileges to buy a pair of blue jeans”, said the second.
“I want a big box of parents”, said the third.
“A big box of parents?! Why do you want a big box of parents?” asked the other two.
“Because I have only two parents, and my sister turned them both in to the secret police and now she owns two pairs of blue jeans!” said the third.


Spain

Racial Characteristics:
Hot-blooded with a dim mind.
The deep-seated strain of masochistic homosexuality manifested in their love of watching ritualised forms of stooptag played with large male cows.
Spiritually, the Spanish are disfigured beyond help by a particularly greasy sort of religious fanaticism that manifests itself in morbid visions.
The Spanish are largely notable for having set out some 500 years ago and found the only people on the face of the earth primitive enough for them to conquer – the Mexicans.

Good Points:
Only one book that has to be read for Comparative Lit. courses.

Proper forms of address:
Spic, greaser, tight-pants, hankie-crotch.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the Spanish Character:
In 1536, the explorer Cabeza de Vaca brought a penguin back to Spain and displayed it to the Mother Superior of the Carmelite Order in Madrid, who thereupon had 1,300 nuns burned by the Inquisition trying to obtain a confession.


Group B


Croatia

Racial Characteristics:
Like all Balkan types, the Croats are savage, warlike barbarians.
In the Second World War, many backed Adolf Hitler who was the sworn enemy of their equally warlike neighbours, the Serbs.
In the last Balkan war, however, the Croats got a pasting off the Serbs and most of their cities were reduced to quaint dust.
Thus the country’s only source of income – tourism – collapsed. And to make ends meet Croatians sold every one of their daughters into sexual slavery in the West.

How to address a Croat:
Don’t bother, their language is an obscene mish-mash of clicks and whistles that should not be spoken by a civilised tongue.



England

Racial Characteristics:
A nation who once ruled half the globe but still haven’t figured out central heating. They warm their beers and chill their baths.
Most of them have large collections of something useless like lamp finials or toad eggs. They like to be spanked with canes.

Good points:
It’s relatively easy to make yourself understood with them.

Proper forms of address:
Limey, lime-eater, pom, poof, git.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the English Character:
In his unpublished memoirs, Benjamin Disraeli tells the story of a political conference with the then Prime Minister William Gladstone, who habitually conducted such private discussions while being fellated by an able-bodied Royal Navy seaman.
At one point during their talk, the sailor suddenly looked up from Gladstone’s penis and said: “Excuse me, Sir, but you’ve come”.
“By Jove, so I have”, replied Gladstone, and he gave the tar a sovereign.


France

Racial Characteristics:
Sawed-off sissies who eat snails and cheese that smells of people’s feet.
They take filthy pictures of each other with cheap cameras, wash nothing but their cunts (and sometimes not even those), and perform sex acts with their faces.
Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons when you attempt to speak to them in their own wimpy language.

Good points:
Invented the blowjob.

Proper forms of address:
Froggy, Franco f*ck-face, clit-lick.

An Anecdote Illustrating Something of the French Character:
A Frenchman goes home with his best friend and they find the friend’s wife lying naked on the dining room table with her legs spread apart.
The Frenchman looks between her legs and says: “Zees looks like zee menstrual blood!” He bends over, and exclaims “Zees smells like zee menstrual blood!” Finally he gets down on his knees, eats her out, and says: “Zees tastes like zee menstrual blood! Mon dieu, I am glad we did not f*ck her!!”


Switzerland

Racial Characteristics:
Illiterate goat-herders in whose icy clutches lay the fruits of grave misdeeds committed in every clime.
Under cover of their sanctimonious Red Cross organisation, they have penetrated all the governments on the planet and, concealed by a flutter of blood-drives and nurses’ caps, lie sucking like leeches at the marrow of the gold, chocolate, clock, and army-knife industries of nations.
Pathologically clean, they sterilise their children at birth, which accounts for their low rate of population growth and leaves them more room to hide heaps and piles of money in their tiny, Alp-ringed repository of snow-covered sin.

Good points:
They rarely yodel in the home.

Proper forms of address:
Butter balls, cheese knees, big fat Swiss.

Group C


Bulgaria

Racial Characteristics:
Not really Europeans at all, more the bastard offspring of rampaging Turks and dull Slavs.
Bulgarians resemble Russians but are more vicious when engaged in their national hobby – organised crime.
The Bulgarian political system is based on assassinating one’s opponents with poisoned umbrellas or throwing their still-warm corpses into the Danube.
After centuries of Turkish domination, the Bulgarians are obsessively fond of sodomy.
In both World Wars they waited to see who they thought would win before joining in – and got it wrong each time.
They also drink strong, sweet beer which gives them blue noses and appalling halitosis.

Good points:
A 2001 United Nations study concluded there are none.

Proper forms of address:
Bulgar bummer boy, hey you.


Denmark

Racial Characteristics:
Dismal, Nazi sex-perverts who are separated only from their ghastly Hun neighbours by the fact they speak a slightly different form of Teutonic gibberish.
Behind their healthy blond-haired blue-eyed exterior lurks a capacity for barbarism and savagery which would curdle a right-thinking mans’ blood.
Denmark’s cultural heritage has bequeathed to the world butter, bacon, and a handful of fairy stories, used down the ages by child killers to seduce their young prey.
Sightseeing in Denmark involves looking at the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen which is constantly voted the world’s most disappointing landmark – standing as it does just 3 inches tall.

Bad Points:
They send all their pissy beer here.

Good points:
This fact annoys the Danes.


Italy

Racial Characteristics:
This least appealing of the European peoples with natural criminal propensities.
They love nothing more than organised crime, and amuse themselves by kidnapping neighbour’s children, voting for Communists, and going on strike, where they’ve been since the 1940s.
On the field of battle they are abject cowards, and in the kitchen they are enthralled by big tomatoes and noodles.

Good points:
Big Tits

Proper forms of address:
Ginzo, guinea, dago, wop.

A German Joke of the War Years illustrating Something of the Italian Character:
1. During the campaign in North Africa, an Italian tank and a German tank accidentally collided, and the two surprised drivers jumped out. The Italian yelled: “I surrender! I surrender!” The German shot him.


Sweden

Racial Characteristics:
Tedious, clean-living boy scout types, strangers to graffiti and littering, but who are slowly boring themselves to death.
This is certainly the case if their cars and movies are anything to go by.
Swedes shag a lot, but only in the missionary position.

Good Points:
Their women think sticky facials are a form of address.

Proper forms of address:
Herring-choker, herring-knocker, squarehead, Boring, boring Swede.


Group D


Czech Rep

Racial Characteristics:
Sullen, alcoholic semi-Krauts who still whine on to anyone who will listen that they were abandoned to the Germans during the last war.
The Czechs are responsible for Skoda cars and British bores with beards who spill far-too-strong beer onto their Stockport Beer Festival T-shirts.
The Czech Republic is the main point of entry to the EU for every Slavic gangster or cold-eyed oriental slave master going.
It is also the biggest producer of homosexual pornography in Europe with the result that one in three Czech men under the age of 30 earns his living being buggered.

Good Points:
30p a pint of beer.


Netherlands

Racial Characteristics:
Drug-addled sex perverts with stupid hats and wooden shoes.
The average Dutchman is a nervous, gibbering wreck because his house lives beneath sea level and faces being inundated on a daily basis. Hence the only Dutch national hero is a young boy who put his thumb in a dyke.
Belgium used to be part of Holland, but the Belgians left when they found the Dutch far too sinister and feared for the safety of their offspring.
Yet Holland is regarded as a liberal country because men are allowed to have sex with each other and seven-year-old girls.
Their language contains more vowels than any other.

Good points:
Pretty canals, Windmills.

Proper forms of address:
Dyke-boy, dopehead, nonce.


Latvia
This country doesn’t really exist.


Germany

Racial Characteristics:
Piggish-looking sadomasochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tunes.
Germans have never been successfully Christianised. Their language lacks any semblance of civilised speech.
Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage and animal intestines.
Once every two or three decades, they set forth, on pointless military adventures during which great numbers of them are slaughtered, much to the improvement of the world.
Their lardy women have long, tangled masses of sticky hair under their arms, and the men shave the sides of their heads.

Good points:
Kill a lot of French.

Proper forms of address:
Kraut, Hun, Heiny, spike-head, sausage breath.