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Husband says to his wife "What would you do if i won tonights lottery?"
She says "I'd take half and leave you." He replies "I got four numbers, heres a fiver now fuck off!"
Boom Boom

A husband comes rushing through the door yelling "Honey, pack your bags I just won the lottery!" The wife screams with excitement and yells 'Oh my god, I dont know what to bring, what should I pack!" The husband says, "Pack everything, bitch you gotta go."

A man and his wife are sitting in their front room, watching the latest episode of their faveourite telly program. The man is casually throwing up smarties in the air and catching them in his mouth, all of a sudden a stray smartie falls into his ear. The man tries desperatly to dig the smartie out of his ear, but all he does is push it further into his ear. Now the mans bum hole is starting to flap so him and the wife decide to go to hospital.

Just as they're leaving the door the daughter and her new boyfriend are walking through the door. The boyfriend suddenly takes control of the situation and says he is a medical student and he knows exactly what to do. He puts his fingers up the guys nose and tells him to blow, and sure enough the smartie flies out across the room. The husband thanks the son, and the daughter and her boyfriend go upstairs.

The wife asks the husband ' what do you think hes going to be when he qualifes, a doctor or a GP?'

The husband replies ' by the smell of his fingers i think he's going to be our son-in-law.'