Mr Incognito can't believe his luck

[Mr Incognito]

So it was our 35th wedding anniversary last week, and Mrs I said she wanted to go to Amsterdam for a long weekend. We would spend the mornings absorbing culture, in the afternoons we would keep our own company, and marital bliss would ensue in the evenings. I was prepared to accept those terms.

Day 1

We stayed near Leidseplein, arriving lunchtime Friday and leaving late afternoon Tuesday. A 10.20 flight from Leeds Bradford meant we were up early-ish rather than horrifically early, but honestly I can never sleep the night before I go away.

Getting through Schiphol was a doddle, despite the fingerprint stuff. At one point me and Mrs I got separated when the machines liked my passport but not hers, but it only took around 15 minutes tops to get through passport control. We might have been lucky with timing, but it didn't seem like there were the massive queues that the media of all types would have you believe exist. Before we knew it we were on the 397 bus and heading for town. After a spot of lunch I was left to my own devices for the afternoon. I set off on adventure, nervously watching the grey skies for the first sign of the thunder storms that were being predicted.

I headed round the canal in the direction of 1e Hulp, which I always make a point of visiting. Avoiding getting rained on, I got some Enemy of the State for EUR13 to get me in the right frame of mind, with an apple Looza to help it down. I'm vape-only these days, and I took my Arizer Argo with me. This is pretty good for a pocket vape, and has a glass air path which gives great flavour and is easy to clean. There are down-sides to using glass though, as we will discover....

The Enemy of the State didn't give much vapour or flavour - it was probably a bit old and dry - but it may of needed higher temps. It got me stoned though, which was the effect I was after. It's a good place for a chill, and I spent a happy half an hour sitting and vaping and watching the stream of people coming in to buy and fly.

Then it was on with my adventures. I see that Funky Monkey is now the Dogg House, one of Snoop Dogg's chain, and I am intrigued to see what its like. It is loud and bright, decorated in purple black and gold, full of American kids, and it does a good mint tea.

I bought a g of their Amsterdam-grown LA OG for EUR16 and went through to the back of the lounge, overlooking the canal. This was much more like it - great big clouds, full of flavour, and the music seemed much louder all of a sudden.

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The decor of the Dogg House is something else. There is a giant plastic dog with a chain round its neck, the slogan "the more medicated, the more dedicated" painted on the wall, I sat at the back, looking out on the canal, and was enjoying the view until the heavens opened and the rains came down. When it calmed down a bit, I trekked off back to the hotel, transformed from a tired traveller to a happy tourist.

In the evening, we took the canal tour from by the Rijksmuseum, attracted by the photo on Viator that showed a cosy looking boat with a roof. Of course, it was an open-topped boat despite the advert. It was an OK tour until the rain started - it can only really be a pleasure to be transported round the canals of Amsterdam, whatever the weather. The umbrella we were offered when the rain got really hard didn't make much difference and we only dried and thawed out once we had got to a steakhouse for some supper. Nice steak then back to the hotel for some restorative sleep.

More to follow.

[free_phil_spector]

The decor of the Dogg House is something else. There is a giant plastic dog with a chain round its neck

Call me a miserable old prick but I think I preferred it when that was a pool table.

[Smokeybee21]

Great start, thanks for posting. While I am a big fan of the man himself, I would agree that the decor of the Snoop shops is a bit gaudy but it looks like an interesting place to have a smoke, I suppose.

[HitTheNorth]

Early morning, sun beating down, smoking on some gelonade and a Mr incognito trip report. Life don't get better than this.
Thanks Mr I.

[Mr Incognito]

Day 2

Rain, rain and more rain said the weather forecast. It turned out to be a pretty accurate, but so what, a rainy day in Amsterdam beats a rainy day pretty much anywhere else.

Saturday morning, and after a good breakfast we headed off to Hortus Botanicus. We went on foot - about a half hour walk from the hotel - and spent a lovely morning looking at plants and enjoying the vibes. Another stroll back via some lunch and it was time for my next adventure. I headed for La Tertuila, planning to go there and then on to Johnny.

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A week later and I can't remember what I got at La Tertuila, apart from a mint tea and a refill later on. I spent 14 Euros on a g of something that caught my eye, and it was OK but not as good as the LA OG, which I had some more of sitting upstairs and watching the rain, then watching people rushing about, then the rain again. I got a refill of tea, took some photos, and listened to the reggae they were playing. Bliss!

Pretty blasted from the whatever-it-was-I-got plus the LA OG, I ditched the "go on to Johnny" bit and went for a wander up to town. I wanted to see how de Wallen looks now that most of the red-lights are gone. And I thought it looked great - so nice to be able to walk around without having to avert my gaze, make sure I don't have my camera out, etc etc etc. I guess for many, Amsterdam with no red-lights will have killed the vibe, but I like it, and the windows are getting reused as all sorts of other things instead. My favourite spot was a couple of windows with some photo booths, a cue of mostly young girls outside, and a couple of influencers selling 10 minute slots for photos and chats. What they were selling was very different from the olden days, and the customers were not the same, but apart from that, it was business as usual!

That was that for Saturday - a nice pizza at the place next door, and the rest is private.

[Lemming]

Another travelogue! Brilliant! Thank you.
I love Tertulia. Good to see it hasn't changed.

[free_phil_spector]

Thanks for part 2. Just fired up the Volcano so I'll read it with a balloon (or three) of wedding cake.

[free_phil_spector]

I love reading the trip reports on here but got to admit this one is bringing me down a bit with the details of all the changes.

the windows are getting reused as all sorts of other things instead. My favourite spot was a couple of windows with some photo booths, a cue of mostly young girls outside, and a couple of influencers selling 10 minute slots for photos and chats.

Sounds like Disneyland for zoomers. What a terrible, terrible shame.

[Jolly]

Enjoyable read. Thanks.

And happy 35th wedding anniversary.

[Mr Incognito]

Day 3

Sunday in Amsterdam, and we are spending the morning at the Van Gogh Museum. Just as well we had booked a couple of weeks in advance, because it was sold out. It is an amazing gallery, stuffed full of Van Gogh as you would expect! But also lots of works by contemporaries and friends, and it tells the story of Van Gogh's short artistic life beautifully. Highlight for me was the special exhibition on the colour yellow, and its use by artists in the late 19th/early 20th century.

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Once we were done and through lunch I was out again. I headed for Easy Times to try the GMO that RoMoney reviewed so positively over 420, and settled down with a mint tea and the Argo to have a try. It certainly did the trick, and I ended up chatting away merrily with a dual national Brazilian/Basque guy who was struggling to get on the wifi. This was where having a vape with a glass mouthpiece got problematical. In my enthusiasm to show him how the vape worked, I dropped the mouthpiece on the floor and it shattered. A few choice words emerged from my lips, but I knew I had a spare at home so it wasn't that bad really, however I was going have to either replace the mouthpiece, get another vape, or come up with a new plan.

Google attempted to be my friend, suggesting a few places that might stock Arizer and therefore might have a spare, and I headed off on a lovely Amsterdam wild goose chase. Of course, nowhere in the Centrum that I tried had any spares, but they all had basic portable vapes for Eur100. With only one more afternoon to go, that made no sense, so I wandered home in the drizzle to contemplate my next move.

Turned out that was stomppot with beef stew and kale at de Blauwe Hollander. Mrs I had the schnitzel. Yum. I'll be going there again!

But what about my route to mental bliss tomorrow? My options, as far as I could see, were:

1. buy an overpriced and no doubt crap vape from a rip-off shop and accept it as an idiot tax for dropping my mouthpiece
2. find a coffeeshop with a volcano
3. take up smoking again and to hell with my lungs

So Option 2 it is, and I dive into my research task with gusto before hitting the sack.

[HitTheNorth]

Great updates Mr I. Shame about your mouthp. Headshops are missing a trick by not stocking replacements, bet it happens all the time.
Not been to the van Gogh in years, glad you enjoyed it.
Looking forward to more, been enjoying reading this in the sun

[Mr Incognito]

Thanks for the comments everyone - I'm happy to share some of the fun I've had in that great city. Other perspectives are available, of course, and one of my key principles is to try and always remember that I may be mistaken (in the many ways that this can be interpreted).

Mistaken = mis-taken = just plain wrong, or taken with a notion in error, or misunderstood or .... (insert other possibilities).

@HitTheNorth I last went to the van Gogh Museum about 10 years ago, and the way they show the pictures, as well as the paintings they show, has changed a lot. He did a lot of paintings in his short career, churning them out at a painting a day in his last manic year, and a lot remain in family ownership together with those of other painters that his art dealer brother owned. So, apart from the sunflowers and a handful of others, what was being shown was completely different from last time.

As far as spares for vapes go, I suspect that if I had found a proper head shop for locals, rather than going into those Centrum tourist traps, I might have been able to find another mouthp. But it was Sunday afternoon, and honestly you can't trust Internet searches these days. The number of dead links I was given, places that might have been open a couple of years ago, but aren't now, shops that sell vape fluid, yadda yadda yadda. Enshitification is a great name for it.

@free_phil_spector I have fond memories of pool tables in coffeeshops and bars. I guess we can thank the progress of those dreadful multi-sports venues such as the Poxy Ballroom. Increasingly, the entertainment industry likes us to sit down and behave, rather than have wild fun. It is a shame. But the Dogg House is pretty chilled out and the weed was cracking, so I quite liked it. In my world, it is pointless to compare it with my romantic version of what no longer exists, but I do sympathise with your take on this.

As for the red lights, well I guess see my comments on the entertainment industry above. The wild atmosphere that used to exist in Amsterdam was something to behold. You could disappear into de Wallen and emerge a changed person in all sorts of ways, without anyone knowing a thing about it. Then came mobile phones, tracking cookies and social media. We traded freedom for the excitement of staring at a small screen connected to lots of other small screens. My deeply woke nature, however, is pleased that a very beautiful part of a wonderful city is no longer the most seedy place in Europe, and that I don't have to be confronted with some of the more taboo aspects of human society.

[FitZerOy]

Enjoyed the trip report, pics and insight - ta

[Mr Incognito]

Day 4

Its still grey and raining, but who cares, this is Amsterdam!

Monday morning brings a trip to the Stedelijk Museum which is a great collection of modern (as in post 1870) art. Dropping our bags and raincoats in the lockers, we start in the early 20th century. They currently display by date range with sections for 1870-1950, 1950-1980 and 1980-today, and then by movements. The 1870-1950 bit has sections on the Amsterdam School, Functionalism, De Stijl, Bauhaus, and CoBrA. Its a wonderful collection, beautifully curated, and really interesting to look at and to read about.

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You can see this kind of Amsterdam School sculpture all over the city.

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We move on to 1950-1980 and right up to the modern day - there is a special exhibition on "Beyond the Manosphere - masculinity today". And the cafe is really good too. So we look at everything, do lots of sitting and pondering, and emerge as culturally-enhanced beings ready for lunch and the rest of the day.

Working out which coffeeshops have volcanoes proves to be more complicated than either having a look on the ACD forums or asking Google. But it gives me a fun mission for the day. I start with a stroll to Old Church and am pleased to see a volcano sitting on a shelf near the counter. I get myself a g of Lemon Haze which was 11EUR, and the women behind the counter digs out a bag for me, which I procede to fill and empty as quick as I can to get myself in the Amsterdam frame of mind. I relax with a mint tea and watch the world float by, before heading to my next target - 420 Cafe.

But when I get there, it turns out there is no volcano, despite Google insisting there was. Just as well there are plenty of other places to try! After a spot of wandering around, buying stroopwaffels, and generally enjoying the vibe while it wasn't raining, I end up at Abraxas which definitely has the required kit. Rather than just handing you a bag and sitting you down, Abraxas wants to sell you your own bag and mouthpiece and take a 10EUR deposit for the bit the bag attaches to. OK - at least I get to keep the bag, which may be of use in the future, and I do like Abraxas, so I go for a 10EUR deal of Kosher Kush and a mint tea, sort out the extras, and wander over to the volcano. There is somone sitting where I need to be, but she very kindly shifts to the next seat and I get cracking on the volcanoisation.

We strike up conversation and spend the next hour having one of those "did that really happen?" coffeeshop experiences where we find that we have lots in common. At one point the budtenders come over to check we are both OK as we were coming over a bit emotional. A great end to my coffeeshop experiences for the trip, and I eventually wander off into the rain having made a new friend. What a place!

Another steak for dinner, this time without getting soaked through in advance, and day 4 is over.

DAY 5

We spend the morning at the Rijksmuseum, which is packed beyond belief, but as fascinating as ever, before heading back to Schiphol and jumping on the plane back home. Before we know it we are back home and my favourite city is just a memory. I will be back!

[brufy]

Amazing!