I just need to let off some steam

[DaveExodus]

I am in a real bad place in my head at the moment.
I don't know what to believe
They tell me I have COPD but I feel fine now.
I can breathe, I haven't got the flu anymore.
It's just this anxiety of not knowing.

I don't know how serious it is or even if they have made some kind of mistake.
I want to live and I want to enjoy my life but I just feel stuck.
What is the point if I can't enjoy living?

I haven't even had a proper check since coming out of hospital, so could have all just been the flu or is something serious that having the flu has highlighted?
I have no way of knowing till I get the appointment for the breathing tests.
That wont be for another couple of months, I did speak to someone at the hospital about it and they said that they should send the appointment date through soon.

I had the CT scan on my heart and they said I have some non obstructive heart disease, to stay on Aspirin and statins.
I haven't even used the inhaler since the start of the year because it was making me feel sick.
I was getting a sore throat and sores kept coming on my lips.
Then I find out it was steroid powder I was inhaling
"Trimbow" it was called
Anyway, I have been fine without it.

I can walk normally, I don't get out of breath
I can ride my bike, uphill, I feel fine and I recover with no breathing trouble.
I am probably better at it since I started quitting/not smoked as much as I was before the flu
I haven't smoked as much as I used to mainly because I have been so scared.
I was even afraid to go out in case the pollution from the traffic did something to me.

After my post-flu x-ray I went up to the GP, after they said they didn't need to see me, but I thought I should go anyway to try and clear up this confusion I have got.
They said my new, post flu x-ray was clear,
then after I told her I was still trying to give up smoking and I was having difficulty with the nicotine addiction she suddenly said that if I continue to smoke then I would end up on oxygen by the time I am 55.
I don't know how accurate that was or if it was just a way to try and scare me even more.
I thought the NHS were supposed to help, not traumatise.

Anyway, I left the doctors in a worse frame of mind than ever,
even more confused than when I went in.

I slipped Monday and Tuesday this week, had a few cigarettes.
Smoke free yesterday with a nicotine patch and I am trying to do it again today.
I manged to go for 5 days in a row without smoking, that was last week.

I started at the "quit smoking clinic" on Monday, they give you free nicotine replacement therapy.
I had to breathe into a tube to check if I had been smoking.
I wasn't too bad considering I had a spliff 6 hours before.

It was funny because they had a poster on the wall saying "Medical cannabis was available from there"

Until I find out for definite I will be on this emotional roller coaster and it is making me sick.
I am only 39 and there are people out there older than me, still smoking.
My stepdad is in his mid-60's, also trying to give up, but only since I was in hospital, I think it must have scared him a bit. My mom might had had a word with him.
I think he is having a sneaky cigarette now and then.
He is still vaping, I do know that.
What ever he does is his business, I can't be mad at him.

Anyway, this is where I am at the moment, in a f**ked up place.
I just needed to get this off my chest (no pun intended )
At least I can still have a joke about it, but only just.

[talkrum]

I stopped smoking over 20 years ago, and I look at it as one of my life's greatest achievements.
I used patches - 2 weeks on each size (20/10/5 fag equivalent) - then cold turkey. At first you crave a fag a few times a day but it fades over the days and weeks. Before you know it you will suddenly realise you haven't had a craving for a full day.
After stopping using tobacco I never had any cravings when I smoked pure weed. I moved to vape only when the Mighty vape came out & I have never combusted since. Don't give up trying to stop and good luck.

[DaveExodus]

Thanks man
Linked up my NHS app with my medical records today, seeing them all for the first time was a bit of a mindf@ck.
Basically, the advice is "Never smoke again"
Finally got my appointment dates through for the respiratory clinic.

Once I am nicotine free and I have had a chat with them, depending on the outcome, I might think about going back out, even if it is just one more time.
Even that feels risky at the moment.

I feel like I need to say goodbye to the place proper.
One last dance with Mary Jane.
No mixing with tobacco

When I left in November I was none the wiser, I didn't think any of this would happen but, I suppose getting the flu was a blessing in disguise. I knew I needed to give it up but, I kind of got no choice now.
Had to give away my duty frees too, my friends mom ended up having them.

I am trying the patches, 21mg for another week, then 2 weeks on 14mg, then 7mg and then stop.
They have been helping with the cravings.
I went 6 days without it while in hospital.
I only tried the nicotine inhalator once I got out and I was hooked again.
I was going to just ride it out, cold turkey. It was the hospital that told me to do it. The inhalator wasn't enough, I need the patches. I managed about 3 weeks without smoking and then relapsed.

Nicotine is one hell of a drug, it was easier for me to get off painkillers, I did that about 10 years ago
Just trying to replace it with other things, like cooking dinner more, going out on my bike for a ride a couple of times a day.
Playing tetris on the gameboy. Newsnight, Spy novels.
Got the Alan Moore Bumper book of magic at Christmas, that has been a good read.
Changing my diet.
Probably wont make any difference now the damage is done.

Most of my family have smoked or still smoke so, they all have lung problems.
My uncle died last year, he had COPD, didn't stop smoking, didn't use the oxygen while he was sleeping, took too many codeine pills too I think.
Died in his sleep.

Still, got to stay positive, I am still here for now, hanging around like a bad smell

[HitTheNorth]

Stay strong Dave - you've got this.

I too have COPD, recently diagnosed.

I gave up tobacco about 5 years ago by accident. I got a dry herb vape, mainly for stealthy beer garden toots, but before I knew it I'd not smoked a joint in months and the cravings had gone. It was weird as I tried to give up a few times before and failed. It's really fucking hard to give up and I have utmost respect for anyone who manages it.

I also gave up the booze at roughly the same time. I had to fill my time so started walking, exploring all the parts of my city where angels fear to tread, abandoned buildings, old industrial architecture, rough arse estates etc. Finding things to occupy your time is key i reckon.

That Alan Moore book sounds good - as Pop Will Eat Itself said - "Alan Moore Knows The Score" haha

All the best mate. Peace x

[DaveExodus]

Trying to stay strong.
It's good to know I am not alone.
It breaks my heart (literally as well as figuratively)

That means I probably wont be able to visit Amsterdam again, I love that place.
I know it sounds stupid, there are plenty of other things to do there but I would be so tempted to go into coffeeshops.
I wish I had gone more when I was younger but, I couldn't afford it.
Now I kind of can, it's a bit ironic.
I'm not sure if I can risk even vaping either.

Until I know for sure what the situation is, the way the doctors were going on was like, no more smoking forever.
Smoking anything.
I need some kind of miracle and it's not like the doctors to be totally wrong

[HitTheNorth]

Trying to stay strong.
It's good to know I am not alone.
It breaks my heart (literally as well as figuratively)

That means I probably wont be able to visit Amsterdam again, I love that place.
I know it sounds stupid, there are plenty of other things to do there but I would be so tempted to go into coffeeshops.
I wish I had gone more when I was younger but, I couldn't afford it.
Now I kind of can, it's a bit ironic.
I'm not sure if I can risk even vaping either.

Until I know for sure what the situation is, the way the doctors were going on was like, no more smoking forever.
Smoking anything.
I need some kind of miracle and it's not like the doctors to be totally wrong

You're never alone here mate.

Foe what it's worth, since I've been mainly vaping bud my chest and breathing is soooo much better. I still have an inhaler but the difference is night and day.

The main thing here is your health mate. Give up tobacco, I know it's hard and I know you're trying but that's got to be the first step. Then you can heal. And who knows what the future brings? You may be able to find a way to enjoy weed yet. Even if its edibles! You'll get to Amsterdam again, I just know it, but first concentrate on yourself.

Don't despair, you're heading in the right direction x

[DazG]

Sounds not to unlike my story Dave. The nicotine is definitely the most addictive of all IMO.

Around 12 years ago I had a lung infection, was laid out for around 8 or 9 weeks where I felt like I was on my way out, eventually managed to stop smoking using the patches and the willpower following my health scare. Had to find ways to get through the day - like you say, started riding my bike, more walks, more home cooking - even got back to playing the guitar after a few years inactive.

A few months later, we went to Amsterdam and that was me back to my old ways smoking like there was no tomorrow, forgetting all about my previous health issues !! That’s when it became annual trips and smoking even more when at home. Then covid came and went and I managed to avoid it, convinced it would’ve wiped me out.

Fast forward a couple of years and I realised my breathing was gradually getting worse and worse ( this is the last couple of weeks), doctor advised me to stop the smoking so I’ve bought a dry herb vape and have managed to quit the tobacco - now on day 8 can feel my breathing getting better every day

Stay strong mate, the old cliche - one day at a time

[DaveExodus]

Thanks guys,

I'm hoping I can just stop smoking here (in the UK) altogether, I was having some in edible form but I stopped that since I don't want to get black market product anymore. I don't know what's in it, and that was making me more paranoid.

I can't smoke at home anymore anyway and I only feel guilty for it when I did, after I promised my family and all.

Maybe a cheeky one or a few, once or twice a year in the Netherlands?

Nicotine is a mad drug.
The patches are crazy, I started sleeping with them on, as was recommended by my stop smoking clinic, to stop morning cravings. They obviously had never had them before, or never smoked before.
That's what was originally letting me down, getting up desperate for a ciggie, then falling off the wagon for a day.

Turns out that having the patch on for 24 hours gives you some proper messed up dreams.
I mean proper trippy

Most of the night time dreams were set in Amsterdam too
stopped the cravings, but I felt like dirt when I got up.
Like a bad acid trip, I didn't know what was real.
It's like I remember every one.
Wrote some of them down in a note book.
except yesterday, I had a afternoon nap, since I had such a crazy night before, kept waking up, going back to sleep then continuing the same dream from where it left off

I was talking to a friend who died over 10 years ago.
Really freaked me out, it was almost real.
That's stopped me using the patches today.
Weening myself off it, can't fall off the wagon again, at least not until I had my full tests done.
I'm hoping the temptation will have worn off by then anyway, fingers crossed.
If I can make 28 days smoke free I can forget about the ciggies altogether